Transformed Through Pain, Learning Who I Am Now.
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
The deep raw emotion comes and goes, the hole lingers, an emptiness that I have never owned before now belongs to me. This journey's trail rounds new corners, and then loops around to where I thought I already had crossed. There is confusion, and a re-learning of who I am, and who I am now that I have this seal of pain on my heart. I feel the rawness fade and the feelings of intensity become more like a scab than an open wound- but this is just as disconcerting as the previous stage of this pain. It allows me to think I can function in the world, and then am caught off guard by what will pull open this wound again letting it bleed bright red.
Once it is burst open I feel the need of flight, immediately. Where usually my instinct prior to this grief was to fight, right now I can only think of how fast I could just get out of the situation where I can breathe again, where I can rest, where tears can fall without me having to explain, or having to justify what needs no justification.
Pain is remembered in infant carriers with small, downy baby heads peaking out just below the warm blankets. It comes in waves of swollen pregnant bellies and families of 3 boys, waves of sadness lap over me. I try to be strong, thinking if God is walking through this with me why is it not easier than this? God never promised easy though, it was my own assumption. I have learned I am not strong, I am weak, and that is hard for me to admit. He isn't taking my pain away, he is walking through it with me.
Trusting in God through this does not mean that I will just get over the pain, or just move on thrilled that I could experience this as a growing experience. Trusting God through grief is a daily choice I get to make, trusting his purposes is another daily choice- it isn't even one that I would prefer to make at times, but it is what he is asking of me. I haven't felt permission to walk outside of God's grace, of course that means I could choose to do that- but it is not the sweet spot where I feel the most loved, and embraced. Still for seconds anger creeps in, moments of despair surface, but those moments are not the ones that make me feel any better. Those are the worst of times, the ones that I can spend the rest of the day getting passed, allowing full feeling of bitterness, anger, or self sufficiency to consume me does not enable anything to grow from within me that I want to nourish. I do not feel better during or after, that is what makes me know that walking day in and day out embracing that would make me weaker, trusting in God's purpose and rejecting the temptation is that sweet spot where although I feel weaker now for not powering though on my own, I am the strongest I have ever been.
These quotes have blessed me over the last days:
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
Praise isn't denying the pain but pronouncing who God is in the midst of your pain. - Kathe Wunnenberg
Grief can cause us to relate differently to God, ourselves, and others. We may look the same, but we are forever changed and must learn to communicate and connect in new ways. We speak a new tongue: the language of loss. -Kathe Wunnenberg
The seeds of new beginnings and new possibilities begin to take root and emerge from our soul's soil. Tears can nourish us and help us grow through our grief. Over time, we may see a lush, green garden of hope, and our soul might bloom with the strength to press on, a result of God's life-giving power through our tears. -Kathe Wunnenberg
Today I came upon this one, each time I think of Shiloh, I am thankful God gave me a third boy- even if I am getting through the pain of Him not being with me. Right now, someday I will get to see him grow, see his smile, and he will know me as his mama.
I thank my God every time I remember you. Philipians 1:3
Last Post: Despair is Loosing its Grip, a Lasting Peace Filling its Fingerprints
Previous Post: May There Be Beauty From This Pain
First Post: Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
May There Be Beauty from This Pain.
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
18/Jan/2012
Last night I cried out, in my pain I cried to the Lord. I told Him I missed my boy, that I trusted Him to take care of Shiloh and I just wondered with God about what my boy would have been like. Would he be more like The Husband or more like me? Would he look like either of us? What would he enjoy doing? Would his favourite food be mac and cheese like his brother Oliver?
Test results came in yesterday. We received the news yesterday afternoon that the physical death of Shiloh was due to infection. None of the listed or known ones, not listeria, or toxoplasmosos, or staph infection or strep b, none of those that are known currently to the medical field. It is not an infection that I currently carry in my blood, or that I could have known about. It has no barring on the outcome of future pregnancies- if we choose that. It does not increase our chances of this happening ever again. I asked the doctor if she would give me examples as to what it could have been, just for my mind to wrap around it. She said infection that can kill a baby is everywhere and yet the chances of infection at this stage are completely almost non-existent. She was almost sure the tests were going to come back as no infection, and that Shiloh had a chromosomal issue. She told me that under the right conditions that I could have even just breathed in an infection, that had caused me nothing and yet been the death of my baby. She listed off where the infection could have come from and I was shocked- it could have come from anywhere. It was a fluke, but I know that it wasn't I know that God called my little Shiloh before he could take his first earthly breath, that he called him to not suffer life on this earth, to not endure pain or sadness, to live his days from the start in Heaven.
I find it interesting that all that Shiloh will not have to endure is exactly what my heart aches from right now, sorrow, grief, loss, pain, sadness, Shiloh was spared, I was not.
The news that brought instant hope to me, that I could have not known to do something different, that my body was still strong and that I had not caused any harm to my baby at first filled me with hope for the future, and it still does. But what I was not expecting is that later that night I would cry bitter tears because my baby was perfect, he was beautiful just as my other boys. God took my perfect baby to be with Himself. I am in anguish. Shiloh would have been like my other boys, with some traits from me, some from The Husband- he had been made by God and would have been able to completely function in this world, had God not chosen to take him.
In my brokenheartedness God gave us this song though one of our loving friends, it really is my words exactly, and my heart's cry. It is the pain I have felt, it is the courage that I have embraced, it is the hope that I hold from afar. I like that through the pain there is strength and assurance.
This morning God gave me this word from Him, which Mercy Me made a song of below, very powerful to me right now.
Psalm 139
For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
For the first post: Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
Previous Post: The Father Calls Shiloh by Name
Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
What follows are the first 4 days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by.
10/ Jan/ 2012 (day one)
Today we found out that our little baby, the one we had tried for for over 3 years and then conceived had died. At 5 months the body does not miscarry on its own, it will only do that in the first trimester, so it makes for a much more complicated process. It is pretty much like going in for a normal scheduled medical inducement, but nothing about it is normal. Words cannot describe my grief.
Sometimes I think maybe I shared to much, maybe put myself in a position of discomfort, but all in all I don't wish that things had been different on my part. If I am to share in the joys, I am to be transparent in our sadness as well. Loosing is the downside of life. Many times pain causes the growth we could not have grown of ourselves, it is what makes us more compassionate, more willing to love and slower to judge. To say that this was not a blessing would not be true. Each moment of the pregnancy since the first day I have loved my baby. I knew this child.
Death does take its toll. It does bring sorrow, however I feel that it will grow in me whatever I nurture, it will cause growth in compassion and love or fear and bitterness. I have a choice to make, sometimes many more than several times a day.
11/Jan/2012 (day two)
Loosing an extremely anticipated and already loved little baby is a very hard thing to do, but we didn't loose him/her. I know right where to look in heaven once we get there. No matter how sad we are, no matter the pain, my little baby is with the father who loves the best. I sense the lack, my baby is in perfect peace. Selfishly I long for the little one to be with me, but what better place to be than in the arms of a perfect father? My baby knew no sadness, endured no pain. Still, as I open my hands and give the babe over I honestly don't feel better. I think in time I will.
God does give and take away, and His timing is perfect. I wish I had a huge amazing revelation to make this journey all worth its while, honestly though I am just sad and feeling broken and that is all I can share as of yet. Your prayers are appreciated, needed is a better word. I feel a gap, a hole.
Tomorrow I will go in to the hospital, I will be induced and the baby will be delivered. This is so different than I ever expected. I asked the doctor what the chances of a miscarriage this late in pregnancy. She said less than half a percent of miscarriages happen now. It is the most unlikely time during pregnancy she said, the highest during the first trimester, and the middle of the pregnancy is the absolute safest time, the chances of complication increase slightly at the end again. Not sure if that makes it easier or harder...it is what it is.
12/Jan/2012 (day three)
Today is the day. I am so scared of so many things- but come what may, I will trust in the Lord. For the record though: This really sucks!
__
At the hospital:
I could not have wished for a better doctor, or a more responsive and dedicated nurse. I checked in at 7:30 and induction began at 8ish. Labor lasted just around 10 hours- which was much faster than even the fastest estimation of 17 hours (or more likely 30 hours). I had geared up for the worst and however bad it was and hard, I really felt God's arms around me consistently brining peace the whole way through.
We held the baby, he was small, but incredible. His fingers and toes completely formed. Even that was easier than I was expecting. I know though that when we head home the waves of grief will start lapping in again. But for right now, I feel a moment of rest and peace.
This is the email we just sent out:
Dearest Friends and Family,
Today was the birthday of our little boy Shiloh Maxwell Canfield. Bethany had a medically induced miscarriage, after we found out on Monday that the baby was no longer alive. The doctor was shocked as were we, as miscarriage this far along only happens in less than one percent of pregnancies. We are extremely sad,
We had a hard time picking a name at the hospital today. We chose Shiloh - one of its meanings is peace, and that is very fitting, because our God is a God of peace that surpasses understanding. We don't understand why things happened this way, but in the midst of it we have incredible peace.
Love you all,
Brad and Bethany
13/Jan 2012 (day four)
We named our little boy Shiloh, which we had never considered before, but as we sat at the hospital Brad thought of it. I knew it meant something about peace, and that seemed fitting- but it is the other meanings that we didn't know that get me now. We don't have a good word in the English language but it would be: "Wished For", or a word that expresses supplicatory potential like, 'Oh, I wish that...' or He who is to be sent. After learning these meanings, I know that God in his mercies placed that name in our heart. On our part 'wished for' and yet one who 'was to be sent' so early on.
No one wants to go through this, no one would choose this and I can't say how much it hurts. It will not be quick, there are no promises of when the pain will settle, I never knew the compassion that I should have for women in this situation. I was as well clueless to this kind of pain. It isn't a sorrow that most have endured, to be induced at the hospital- many hours later to bear a baby that will never cry or breathe. This is a child who most people would unknowingly say we had not known. It is a clueless assumption though, as I have never wept so bitterly even for those I knew and held and loved on for years, for those people lived their lives and died of old age- my baby that I held for 5 months was much harder than I would ever have known to loose.
My grief comes in waves, today is much harder than yesterday. Tomorrow could be better.
To continue reading, click here:
The Days that Follow a Stillbirth: Loving Shiloh Maxwell Canfield (days 5 and 6)
My Life as a Baby Oven: Little Rumblings
I thought I was through the sickness when I wrote my last preggo post, and then I started feeling sick again. If you catch me out and about, or at home I usually am wearing sea bands-for motion sickness/morning sickness, and chewing ginger gum to also help ease the nausea. Bit by bit it is getting better, after a bout with a smoothie one fine morning, other than that I have been able to keep everything down and even feel good about most of it. I may just wear my trusty Sea bands for the rest of my life just because they helped me feel better, kind of as a homage or something.
Because so many women recommended it, I bought myself a Snoogie, aka 'the worm' it is a pregnant lady's dream, a body pillow designed with us in mind. Love it.
A great development is that I have finally started gaining some weight 3 lbs over my pre-preggo weight to be exact. Weight gain is good, very good when you are growing a real-live-baby inside you. And it is also good because it means I would feel comfortable running again, I just didn't feel right about using my energy to run when my body really needed it. Now I can hit the road-I have set out my clothes for the morning and I can't wait to go for a trot.
What I am most excited about is that I have felt the little babe moving around since the last post. I enjoy these little rumblings so much! I have thought I was feeling it for a while, but was very sure when I felt the little one and then looked down at my belly to SEE the baby moving. I generally second guess myself on the movement in the beginning but as of last week there is absolutely no doubt at all. Quickening is one of my favourite pregnancy perks, it makes this whole thing so much more real.
In just under 3 weeks The Husband and I will go in for my ultrasound and we will get to see our little one and check out the development and also find out if the little one is a boy or a girl. We shall see. I have no inclination, and I go back on forth on which I would prefer, so whichever is just fine by me. There are some bets going though and we will see who wins those.
Wanna place your bet? Boy? Girl? What do you say?
2 months 3 months 4 months
To see all my preggo pictures, go to my Flickr album: Baby on Board
For previous My Life as a Baby Oven blog posts:
'Little Rumblings' at 4 months
'Over the Hill' at 3 months
'Hangry' at 2 months
'Wild Ride' at 7 weeks
My Life as a Baby Oven: Over the Hill
The phases have come and gone, and I only wait to see what is next. I know there is something funky that has to come, but we will see. For now, I am over the funky hill! Most days I only feel sick for a little while if at all, and I am able to eat food without being picky or dry heaving-so glad that is over.
The funny thing is LOOK AT THAT BELLY, and I am still down 2 lbs from pre-morning (note: all day, all night) sickness. I am just over 3 months now, and life has gotten a lot better.
Now that my belly is getting bigger, I once again know the feeling of some sort of alien creature possessing my body. Not really in a weird way, just in an I-am-not-in-control sort of way. That is fine though because we never really are even when we think we are, right?
Sleeping isn't as fun as it used to be, or I should say falling asleep is an adjustment. You see I usually sleep on my stomache, and that feels a little bumpy these days! Ha! Once I get to sleep I am having really vivid dreams, mostly of the intensly scary sort and the rest I don't seem to remember.
I can now read again, and do some crafts without feeling sickly. I have been running too. It is lovely, I am so thankful I am able to run right now, it is hard on me when I can't. I should be better about going to bed though, because sleep is something I won't get enough of for the next 2 years. Live it up while I can. Has anyone tried any sort of body pillow or anything like that while pregnant for sleeping?? I haven't with the first 2, but I am considering it this time around.
I didn't think you'd be able to see the difference so soon month-to-month...but check it out. Or it could be because I ate so much popcorn tonight. Ha!
2 months 3 months
To see all my preggo pictures, go to my Flickr album: Baby on Board
For previous My Life as a Baby Oven blog posts:
'Hangry' at 2 months
'Wild Ride' at 7 weeks
My Life as a Baby Oven: Hangry
Since the last time I wrote I have lost 4 pounds and have been intensely queasy. I lived for a week on baked Lays and then rounded out the next on bagels and cream cheese. I have consumed hardly any sugar,and no candy, it just doesn't speak to me right now. Which is the opposite of my normal life. It should tell you something that my mom mentioned to me over and over as a kid that she, "shoulda named me Candy" since that is pretty much all I ate.
Currently just diving into my 10th week of life as a baby oven, it seems I am exiting the nausea phase, although I still gag every time I brush my teeth, or when I eat a bite too much.
I have now entered the 'hangry' stage. Yes. HANGRY. It is the perfect combo of Hunger and Anger that complement each-other for the most toxic of maternity cocktails. See below from Urban Dictionary.
Hangry:
When you are so hungry that your lack of food causes you to become angry, frustrated or both.
I am back to packing snacks. I believe all pregnancy is about is getting you used to the inconvenience of babying yourself so that when a smaller, cuter version comes along you will adore your Little-Moon-Beam without even knowing what an odd sense of reality it is that you live in. Packing string cheese and Cheerios is just the beginning of a slippery, slippery slope back into the world of baby-tending.
Two days ago something big happened. My pre-babe jeans no longer can stay comfortably zipped around my belly throughout the entire day. I am fine to don them in the morning hours, but right after lunch they become impossibly tight. I should probably figure something out. And yes, the time has come. I get to buy some new clothes! Ugh, it has been so long. Where do I go??? Have any of you tried the bella band? I'm not quite ready for maternity yet, only my belly is busting a move.
I took this photo at 8 weeks(or 2 months), that is what the 2 is for, not world peace, although that is great too. I plan on taking one photo each month.
My Life as a Baby Oven: Wild Ride
Yep, I am pregnant. I am extremely happy to be having another baby, not so excited about the way pregnancy is treating me this time around.
Here is what I have found in this first and very, VERY hormonal trimester.
1.) Caffeine. I am very tired in the mornings (and all day), but if I have caffeine of my most favourite sort which is Yorkshire Gold Tea with a dash of milk and 3 teaspoons of sugar: I am a jerk. It is better to be listless than a jerk - so I must forgo that.
2.) Food. This is the key to success in my life right now- eat a little, just be never full or ever hungry. If you neglect this step you will again become irritable and everyone who has a brain will run and hide.
3.) Social gatherings are incredibly draining- just think, if you can't say half of the things I feel like saying, all that screening makes the mind a tired piece of junk, the place where my body is already. It is just a matter of time before I say something dumb enough to have to apologize for. A set up, that is what it is and it makes me feel really lame too.
4.) Running- this is still a great emotional release, but I can barely muster up enough energy to do it. I guess if I drank some tea, then went running it might balance out, but I haven't had the time or energy to do this. And it seems a waste since I would just end up where I started, sleepy. I do run in the evenings sometimes, especially when I know I emotionally need it most- maybe I should run to my next social gathering and kill two birds with one stone...but if there is no food there I would again break down and fear would strike all who witness it.
I am working on my 7th week of baby baking, and it is a wild ride. I am thankful to be on it. No matter what the obstacles, I will try my hardest to grow in this season, promise. But if I am about to say something then cover my mouth and run away-- it doesn't really mean anything, just carry on with whatever you were doing, or if you'd prefer pretend I am having morning sickness and about to spew, that is pretty much the yuck of it.
Anyone have tips or ideas to help?? I'd love them.
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