I’m Done Eating Bubbles (A Post About Love)
photo by richard.heeks
God knows my love language, He knows I need to actually feel the pressure of himself all throughout me. The settling of his weight so light and thick- a feeling that I can only feel and not describe. I am not really a person of words, although they do speak to me, I am a person of feeling. My love language is touch.
I married a man who's love language is not touch, his native love language is words of affirmation. Although we both try to be literate, or even conversationally fluent in each other's love languages we just don't get how. I long to be filled up by him knowing to hold my hand when we are walking, or put his arm around me- but when he tries it is awkward and feels fake or stilted, and I push away, because the awkward touch just leaves me wanting for the way it could feel, but doesn't. I do the same. He is very sweet about it, but it hurts him just as bad. He longs for words- words of affirmation. When he does something (anything) he wants immediate praise, I feel that I am giving him lip service when I say: "great job!", "Thank you for..." and other cliche phrases that are written on kindergarten stickers to be doled out by smiling teachers. I feel foolish and incompetent and every-single-time I feel inadequate to give him what it is that fills him up most, and I am.
I have never heard of a couple that is able to satisfy the other just perfectly. Is that surprising? I hope not. As much as we can lean into each other and learn to better speak to each other- still there is one, and only One who always gets it right. God. Every time I feel sad about The Husband's deficiency (or my need) it is because I am not feeling it enough from God. If I would let myself be met by Him who can do it so perfectly that would also free up The Husband to do the best he can and it would just be the blessing on top of blessing to bring me to overflowing. When I depend first on man, and then fill up the remainder with God it will always feel like eating bubbles. But when the soul is satisfied by the stout satisfaction that is Christ, The Husband's well meaning love isn't empty bubbles anymore it s a sweeter blessing than my words could express.
Just as I say this and read it back to myself I still wish it could be different. I wish I could be whole without God. My sin nature really fights dependency to an extreme level, even dependency on someone who won't let me down. In my human state I would rather feel some holes than trust anyone. Running to God does not come naturally to me, I would rather lean on myself while pretending to lean on The Husband and be annoyed when he falls short while patting myself on the back with feelings of false humility thinking of how really I am a martyr (ha!. I would rather not have to invest the time in God that it takes for Him to burp out the air bubbles of imperfection that others have left inside me. I then realize just how selfish it is for me to be this way. And how if I keep it up The Husband is doomed to never be good enough and always fail.
Bring it on God!!
I hear it coming. Pat, pat, pat...."BuRRRRRRP!"
To Obey is Better Than Sacrifice
Jackson (5 years) told me that he wanted to write out the Commandments. We couldn't quite fit ten on his stones.
We have been going through seasons of change, of difficulty, of quiet and silence as far as direction goes. Recently we have heard God's leading. A while back we felt God called us to be missionaries to Spain and with all our hearts were thrilled to go. When we visited Spain we just didn't have a peace about it at all, it was an unmistakable 'NO'. This was confusing, nothing short of devastating but I clung to the verse that 'To obey is better than sacrifice' (1 Sam. 15:22) or in my case it would be to obey is better than blessing- because I just couldn't wait to go. As much as I know the truth in that, and in serving where He has called us it was hard. So then by assumption we just decided to stay at the church to which we moved, so that we could go and work with my parents in Spain, because maybe God was calling us there instead. I do not doubt for one second that God's plan and will was even there in that. I actually know that to be true now.
At that time we decided to pray, we have been praying since we got back from Spain in September praying for peace and confirmation about what His will for us was. The uncertain thing about prayer isn't that God hears or answers- but that he does so in ways we don't expect. I prayed that God would give me the ability to not be in the way as He lead. I mentioned before that we have felt in a holding pattern- in a silent place of waiting on God. That season just ended, we are in a new season. God has recently told us to head back to Calvary Chapel and as much as we are excited to go back home- I hate looking fickle. I am the type that once I make a decision I want to stick to it even if it isn't the right one. But that would be disobedient- and sin. So with mixed feelings of joy and shame we decide to go.
But God wants to deal with even that feeling of shame in me, to take that guilt away and give me what He intended to give me all along. After it was confirmed that we would go back, I started trying to pray and thank God," Oh God it is so good that you brought us to this other church to reach out, to stir things up and if only to meet one person who needed us- we are so thankful" I was once again humbled as God spoke to me about how that was part of what happened because of our obedience, but not why he brought us there. This is what He spoke to me:
When you realize your place through humility, through being broken and brought down low- only then will I be glorified. Because only then will you understand completely that any step above eternal condemnation is a gift and not yours to hold to tightly, or yours to boast of, find pride in, come to expect, or feel you have earned.
That is why there is beauty in the broken and why pain brings joy. Because only then do you not lean on yourself- you have no choice but to lean on Me. No longer will it matter if others think you are obeying or hearing, no longer will it matter because you are steadfast in Me. You have surrendered.
God spoke that to me a couple nights ago. I wrote it down and the first feelings were shock, relief, joy and then embarrassment. God was working on me trusting Him, which I already thought I did. But now I realize that for me it is harder to trust Him when He wants me to do things that make me look bad, make me look indecisive or confused, or when He tells me to stay and not to go. I can be so critical, so quick to judge others- why would I assume God would share His plan for them with me? He didn't even share His plan for me with me!!
At womens Bible study (that I have still been attending at Calvary Chapel Corvallis) our leader Cindy has been challenged that it shouldn't be 'more of God and less of me', but 'all of God and none of me'. I agree, because no matter how many bad things I didn't do, no matter how much I could have sinned growing up and didn't- nobody owes me anything. Actually I am the one who owes, I owe a debt that I can't pay. I am entitled to nothing- but through God's grace I am justified.
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. there is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3: 22-24
What has God been working in your lately? I'd love to hear!
Secondhand Jesus
Author Photo by Audrey Hannah Photo
Secondhand Jesus
Trading Rumors of God for a Firsthand Faith
by Glenn Packiam
217 Pages
Non-Fiction
David C Cook Publisher
Christian Faith-General
Does God believe in the "American Dream"? Is He around just to make cuts feel better and pain go away? Do you really know the God you say you are serving? Are your notions of God secondhand? These are some of the questions Glenn Packiam will run by the reader in his book Secondhand Jesus. He does not cower from the truth, Secondhand Jesus aims to destroy the myths that there are shortcuts to knowing God. While reading this you are likely to realize that you believe many more rumors of God than you would feel comfortable with. If you found Jesus while in search for an easier faith, or CliffsNotes, or just a spiritual journey with beginning and end, you will be challenged in Secondhand Jesus.
When God puts His foot down we all feel the pressure, especially if it is right on top of a dream of ours. Our first thought should be, "well God does know better" and "whatever I am going through will only lead me to know Him more" but that takes a certain level of relationship with God. If that foundation isn't there, we won't realize it in the easy times but when the difficulties come around we will curse and scream and quit because He didn't do what I thought he should. It is time to take God from where we have him at arms length and allow His embrace to cover us, both in the joys of life and the pain.There are many myths that our culture preaches that are not accurate in accordance with what the Bible says about God.
A circular trail of rumors can become verifiable truth, community's dogma, in less than a generation.
- If you believe it, you can receive it.
- God knows your heart.
- God just wants you to be happy.
It sounds right. People we respect say it, people who know a lot more than we do. And we don't want to miss out on something that might be true. We've heard it for so long, nobody has stopped to ask if it's true or why we think it might be. (Secondhand Jesus, p. 44)
There are experts in medicine, photography, gurus of even the lost arts of Nintendo and Atari, if we are into that we respect them, we take their word as truth. With God, we do that too, if someone knows better than us many times we take their word as our sole source to God, we get lazy and apathetic thinking the Bible experts will find the verse that we were thinking of, or be able to explain salvation in an easier way to understand. Leaders are good, they are there for a reason, but there place is not that of God, they are humans too, mistakes will be made and they will fail--if your faith is in a human, you will be let down. Don't live on rumors, on what others say, search the scriptures, know what you are agreeing to when you place God as Lord in your life.
The whole premise of Secondhand Jesus comes from Job 42:5-6 (The Message):
I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand--from my own eyes and ears! I'm sorry-forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise! I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor.
That is the climax of the book of Job, and for me it really cut to the chase. I do not long to know God the way that I should, or enjoy him just for him as much as I need to. Secondhand Jesus re-enforced so many things I already knew and believed and at the same time it brought forth new ways of saying it that broke through to me--powerfully.
Secondhand Jesus impacted my life, Glenn Packiam made me think more clearly of God and who He is, but mostly it told me and taught me to search for myself, not out of guilt, pride or piety but out of love and a hunger to know God better daily. If I am at this same spot spiritually in even one year I will be guilty of living a passionless walk with God. I have heard it said this way, "if you aren't making an effort to move forward, know that you are drifting backwards". I loved this book, I am challenged, renewed and stirred--I would recommend it to any Christian, no matter where you are in your walk, it will get you thinking straight and challenge you too. I highly recommend it.
Visit Glenn Packiam's Blog and read the first chapter of Secondhand Jesus
Hear what Glenn Packiam has to say in this Secondhand Jesus YouTube Book Trailer:
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