Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
What follows are the first 4 days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by.
10/ Jan/ 2012 (day one)
Today we found out that our little baby, the one we had tried for for over 3 years and then conceived had died. At 5 months the body does not miscarry on its own, it will only do that in the first trimester, so it makes for a much more complicated process. It is pretty much like going in for a normal scheduled medical inducement, but nothing about it is normal. Words cannot describe my grief.
Sometimes I think maybe I shared to much, maybe put myself in a position of discomfort, but all in all I don't wish that things had been different on my part. If I am to share in the joys, I am to be transparent in our sadness as well. Loosing is the downside of life. Many times pain causes the growth we could not have grown of ourselves, it is what makes us more compassionate, more willing to love and slower to judge. To say that this was not a blessing would not be true. Each moment of the pregnancy since the first day I have loved my baby. I knew this child.
Death does take its toll. It does bring sorrow, however I feel that it will grow in me whatever I nurture, it will cause growth in compassion and love or fear and bitterness. I have a choice to make, sometimes many more than several times a day.
11/Jan/2012 (day two)
Loosing an extremely anticipated and already loved little baby is a very hard thing to do, but we didn't loose him/her. I know right where to look in heaven once we get there. No matter how sad we are, no matter the pain, my little baby is with the father who loves the best. I sense the lack, my baby is in perfect peace. Selfishly I long for the little one to be with me, but what better place to be than in the arms of a perfect father? My baby knew no sadness, endured no pain. Still, as I open my hands and give the babe over I honestly don't feel better. I think in time I will.
God does give and take away, and His timing is perfect. I wish I had a huge amazing revelation to make this journey all worth its while, honestly though I am just sad and feeling broken and that is all I can share as of yet. Your prayers are appreciated, needed is a better word. I feel a gap, a hole.
Tomorrow I will go in to the hospital, I will be induced and the baby will be delivered. This is so different than I ever expected. I asked the doctor what the chances of a miscarriage this late in pregnancy. She said less than half a percent of miscarriages happen now. It is the most unlikely time during pregnancy she said, the highest during the first trimester, and the middle of the pregnancy is the absolute safest time, the chances of complication increase slightly at the end again. Not sure if that makes it easier or harder...it is what it is.
12/Jan/2012 (day three)
Today is the day. I am so scared of so many things- but come what may, I will trust in the Lord. For the record though: This really sucks!
__
At the hospital:
I could not have wished for a better doctor, or a more responsive and dedicated nurse. I checked in at 7:30 and induction began at 8ish. Labor lasted just around 10 hours- which was much faster than even the fastest estimation of 17 hours (or more likely 30 hours). I had geared up for the worst and however bad it was and hard, I really felt God's arms around me consistently brining peace the whole way through.
We held the baby, he was small, but incredible. His fingers and toes completely formed. Even that was easier than I was expecting. I know though that when we head home the waves of grief will start lapping in again. But for right now, I feel a moment of rest and peace.
This is the email we just sent out:
Dearest Friends and Family,
Today was the birthday of our little boy Shiloh Maxwell Canfield. Bethany had a medically induced miscarriage, after we found out on Monday that the baby was no longer alive. The doctor was shocked as were we, as miscarriage this far along only happens in less than one percent of pregnancies. We are extremely sad,
We had a hard time picking a name at the hospital today. We chose Shiloh - one of its meanings is peace, and that is very fitting, because our God is a God of peace that surpasses understanding. We don't understand why things happened this way, but in the midst of it we have incredible peace.
Love you all,
Brad and Bethany
13/Jan 2012 (day four)
We named our little boy Shiloh, which we had never considered before, but as we sat at the hospital Brad thought of it. I knew it meant something about peace, and that seemed fitting- but it is the other meanings that we didn't know that get me now. We don't have a good word in the English language but it would be: "Wished For", or a word that expresses supplicatory potential like, 'Oh, I wish that...' or He who is to be sent. After learning these meanings, I know that God in his mercies placed that name in our heart. On our part 'wished for' and yet one who 'was to be sent' so early on.
No one wants to go through this, no one would choose this and I can't say how much it hurts. It will not be quick, there are no promises of when the pain will settle, I never knew the compassion that I should have for women in this situation. I was as well clueless to this kind of pain. It isn't a sorrow that most have endured, to be induced at the hospital- many hours later to bear a baby that will never cry or breathe. This is a child who most people would unknowingly say we had not known. It is a clueless assumption though, as I have never wept so bitterly even for those I knew and held and loved on for years, for those people lived their lives and died of old age- my baby that I held for 5 months was much harder than I would ever have known to loose.
My grief comes in waves, today is much harder than yesterday. Tomorrow could be better.
To continue reading, click here:
The Days that Follow a Stillbirth: Loving Shiloh Maxwell Canfield (days 5 and 6)
The Mistake We Make of Christmas: Our Not-So-Holy Holiday
I have been wanting to write this post for a while, but it is hard to put these thoughts into words. Christmas is a celebration, a holy day to worship, it is not my birthday, and it isn't yours. It is nice to be with family, but Christmas isn't about family either, it is about celebrating the amazing miracle of the birth of the Christ child and what that means for us. That is my gift, that I am redeemed, that I am forgiven, because I took that gift 27 years ago right from the fingertips of Jesus.
Why then are we not content? I think it is because we never stop to evaluate our expectations. We never ask that of our kids either. We don't want to ruin their dreams. Only when they get older will they see right through the fickle Christmas that you built up for them, when they already have several 'Christmas tradition' immersed brats of their own. That can change though. I want to change it now.
Let's fill our houses with the desire and anticipation of Jesus and not of wish lists, because He is the only one who will make us complete. We are not filled by lugging home 5 Christmas trees, one for each room of the house, each with its own theme. Giving presents doesn't even make us feel much better when we can see the getter of our gifts already has opened 10 toys in a row and can barely be grateful enough to muster up a smile. Giving should be done for those who need it. Pray about that.
I've felt challenged in this season more than any other to give to those who don't have- which is not my own children, my family, or those around me. We are blessed in this country, and when we look around some of us don't even see any need to give at all. I would challenge you to pray about your gift giving, the amount you are to spend on family and then to put aside money to give, or to buy something for a local food bank or one of the many charities who give practical gifts around the world (I'll provide a list below). Let's get out of our little bubble- the world awaits. There is no better season than this one, where in the name of Christ we don't say, but we do, we need to learn to be like Him in actions.
What does that mean practically for us this year? We are still deciding. The boys will each get two small toy gifts from us, and some clothes that they need, and some candy- as that is always gone really quick. The Husband and I have been paired down for a while, getting each other a book, a watch, or some small token of our love and appreciation.As a family we are going to set aside an amount of money to give. The boys will have a specific amount of cash that they get to give and they can decide where they want it to go- more than what their own toys are worth, an amount that they will feel thrilled to give away.
In the past we have just had the boys go through their toys and clear out for a new invasion of stuff. That is good to do, but I also want them to know others are just as valued as they are and should not only get their used items. We've also given to different charities, but mainly that was something The Husband and I did, and the boys didn't get to be that involved. I want to change that.
All around the world there is need, even locally if you choose to see it. I challenge you to pray about what you are to do this year. That you wouldn't just buy stuff because that is what you have always done, but that you would seek God's heart in your giving. It is still always important to give tokens of love to our families, and some of you may have family members in great need.Maybe you are to welcome others into your home who are depressed or without family for your special meals, or just to be with your family. There are so many options, many that don't cost any extra if this is a difficult season for you. No matter what there is always something you can do. Just do what God is telling you in this season, if you ask Him, He'll tell you.
There are many great organisations, here are some that I love. If you have a favourite, post it in the comments section and I'll add it in as well.
Living Water International- Providing Clean Water for Communities Worldwide
World Vision- Give a gift. Change a Life.
Compassion International
What have you done in your family in order to simplify your gift giving? As a child do you have a favourite memory of when Christmas was more than about the gifts? Has God been speaking to you about this lately?
Our Advent Celebration: The Jesse Tree
We've celebrated the Christmas season with an advent Jesse tree for the last 3 years. Each year it gets better! This is my post from the first year we did it in, I am sharing again in case you are interested in doing it too. Here is a link to all my ornaments in my Flickr album: Jesse Tree Ornaments
As Christians, Christmas should be a huge celebration. Not in the commercial way of buying as many presents as we can for as many as we can...but in meaningful celebrations with our families and in our hearts. Our joy at celebrating Christ's birth should be infectious. I love this season, I start listening to Christmas music in early November- and most of the time I can't quit until late January. It is a time meant for families to gather around and share of the most amazing miracle of all time: when God come to earth in the form of a baby- a human. God stripped Himself of all his power to be like us, thus tipping the scale in our favour. Without this amazing birth, we would still be lost, still offering the sacrifices of animals that could never cover our sins.
The meaning of Jesse Tree is from the verses in the bible in 1 Samuel 16:1-13 and then Isaiah 11:1-10. The following section of the verse speaks of the Christ coming to the world by way of Jesse, and his descendants- thus the "Tree of Jesse".
1 There shall come forth a Rod from the stem of Jesse,
And a Branch shall grow out of his roots.
2 The Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon Him,
The Spirit of wisdom and understanding,
The Spirit of counsel and might,
The Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD.
3 His delight is in the fear of the LORD,
And He shall not judge by the sight of His eyes,
Nor decide by the hearing of His ears;
4 But with righteousness He shall judge the poor,
And decide with equity for the meek of the earth;
He shall strike the earth with the rod of His mouth,
And with the breath of His lips He shall slay the wicked.
5 Righteousness shall be the belt of His loins,
And faithfulness the belt of His waist.
10 “ And in that day there shall be a Root of Jesse,
Who shall stand as a banner to the people;
For the Gentiles shall seek Him,
And His resting place shall be glorious.” -Isaiah 11:1-5 +10
The Jesse Tree is intended to guide you through the 29 days that lead up to Christmas as a journey towards a deeper understanding of all that took place leading up to the birth of Christ through the Old Testament and then into the beginning of the New Testament. Each evening before bed we do the scripture reading for that day and then the boys take turns getting to hang the specified ornament on the tree. They beg for it to be "time for the Jesse Tree" and love it when it is their turn to hang the ornament. We did it last year for the first time and I learned so much. It deepens my faith in Christ each time. Going through the scripture of all the ancestors that lead up to Christ and seeing all the prophesies fulfilled to the letter really build our faith. We look forward to doing it every year as a tradition of the true meaning of Christmas with our family.
Table of Scripture Readings and Ornaments for The Jesse Tree
Click on the links to get to the ornament that I made to represent the symbol. That way, you can get an idea of what to make for your Jesse Tree Advent Celebration. Or if you want to see all of my ornaments go to my Jesse Tree Flickr album.
(I grabbed this table from The Voice it was the most detailed that I have found )
Table of Scripture Readings for the Story
| Date | Persons | Events/Themes | Scripture | Symbols |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| First Sunday |
Introduction of the Jesse Tree | 1 Sam 16:1-13 Isa 11:1-10 |
The Tree | |
| Mon Wk 1 |
God | Creation | Gen 1:1-2:3 | Dove |
| Tues Wk 1 |
Adam and Eve | The First Sin | Gen 2:4-3:24 | Tree with Fruit or Apple |
| Wed Wk 1 |
Noah | The Flood | Gen 6:11-22, 7:17-8:12, 20-9:17 | Rainbow or Ark |
| Thur Wk 1 |
Abraham | The Promise | Gen 12:1-7, 15:1-6 | Field of Stars |
| Friday Wk 1 |
Isaac | Offering of Isaac | Gen 22:1-19 | Ram |
| Sat Wk 1 |
Jacob | Assurance of the Promise |
Gen 27:41-28:22 | Ladder |
| Second Sunday |
Joseph | God's Providence | Gen 37, 39:1-50:21 | Sack of Grain or Coat |
| Mon Wk 2 |
Moses | God's Leadership | Exod 2:1-4:20 | Burning Bush |
| Tues Wk 2 |
Israelites | Passover and Exodus |
Exod 12:1-14:31 | Lamb |
| Wed Wk 2 |
God | Giving the Torah at Sinai |
Exod 19:1-20:20 | Tablets of the Torah |
| Thur Wk 2 |
Joshua | The Fall of Jericho | Josh 1:1-11, 6:1-20 | Ram's Horn Trumpet |
| Fri Wk 2 |
Gideon | Unlikely Heroes | Judg 2:6-23, 6:1-6, 11-8:28 | Clay Water Pitcher |
| Sat Wk 2 |
Samuel | The Beginning of the Kingdom |
1 Sam 3:1-21, 7:1-8:22, 9:15-10:9 | Crown |
| Third Sunday |
David | A Shepherd for the People |
1 Sam 16:1-23-17:58, 2 Sam 5:1-5, 7:1-17 |
Shepherd's Crook or Harp |
| Mon Wk 3 |
Elijah | The Threat of False Gods |
1 Kng 17:1-16, 18:17-46 | Stone Altar |
| Tues Wk 3 |
Hezekiah | Faithfulness and Deliverance | 2 Kng 18:1-19:19, 32-37 | An Empty Tent |
| Wed Wk 3 |
Isaiah | The Call to Holiness | Isa 1:10-20, 6:1-13, 8:11-9:7 | Fire Tongs with Hot Coal |
| Thur Wk 3 |
Jeremiah | The Exile | Jer 1:4-10, 2:4-13, 7:1-15, 8:22-9:1-11 | Tears |
| Fri Wk 3 |
Habakkuk | Waiting | Hab 1:1-2:1, 3:16-19 | Stone Watchtower |
| Sat Wk 3 |
Nehemiah | Return and Rebuilding |
Neh 1:1-2:8, 6:15-16, 13:10-22 | City Wall |
| Fourth Sunday |
John the Baptist | Repentance | Luke 1:57-80, 3:1-207:18-30 | Scallop Shell |
| Mon Wk 4 |
Mary | The Hope for a Future |
Luke 1:26-38 | White Lily |
| Tues Wk 4 |
Elizabeth | Joy | Luke 1:39-56 | Mother and Child |
| Wed Wk 4 |
Zechariah | Anticipation | Luke 1:57-80 | Pencil and Tablet |
| Thurs Wk 4 |
Joseph | Trust | Matt 1:19-25 | Carpenter's Square or Hammer |
| Fri Wk 4 |
Magi | Worship | Matt 2:1-12 | Star or Candle |
| Dec 24 |
Jesus | Birth of the Messiah | Luke 2:1-20 | Manger |
| Dec 25 |
Christ | The Son of God | John 1:1-18 | Chi-Rho Symbol |
Just so you know, this is our third year with the Jesse Tree tradition, and I still have 5 ornaments left to make! Be easy on yourself, the ornaments are great for the kids and to remember- but not mandatory for a good devotional time with the family around the tree. I did some the first year, another bunch of ornaments the second year.
What Christmas traditions are you doing with your family? Did your family do any with you when you were young that you are continuing?
I Don’t Think it Was a Dare…(NEWS!)
Life can look like a barrel of monkeys at times- reach your hand in and you never know what will show up....or is someone planning things a little better than that? As fun as the monkeys would be, I have to say now more than ever I believe in a plan, a purpose and a God who always gets His timing right.
I've summed it all up before, the last 3 years of my life pretty much- you should go read it so you can see how incredibly cool what just happened is. When God called us to Spain, I put my biggest dream of moving to a farm, living on some land, bee keeping, goat raising, blueberry harvesting away. Less than a month ago Brad's Uncle asked us to move out to the farm and live there. It is larger than we'd ever need, the house, the land, and the God that I serve, by large in all of the aforementioned- HUGE. Not only is it a dream-- but it was one I had no idea how God would remedy. I've told Him often, either grant this wish or take it, I'll be content with either. But when we were asked to move to the family farm my brain popped and my image of God shattered, He is a very weird God- in an extremely great way. It won't be any time super soon, things have to get prepped and primped- but it will be in about 6 months.
So when that happened, I pretty much looked straight into heaven and thought to myself (and probably right at God too) saying: "Huh God, you are good, always good, I wonder if I am pregnant now too". I don't think it was a dare, and I know God didn't take it that way...but I am currently pregnant. Yep, sometimes people say things happen by coincidence, I think that they must be some of the most oblivious people in the world. Farm and baby in the same month,that is no coincidence.
If you don't believe God can do it, I dare you...give Him the chance. He doesn't love me any more than He loves you. God is just purposeful in how he loves us, weather through complete joy filled blessing, or trials that will bring the heart that He desires in us, which is bigger than any earthly blessing. God is stinkin' AWESOME!!!!
It also is no coincidence that I just started memorizing Hebrews 11 on Faith.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
In approximately 6 months we will be farm dwellers, and use the land (oh that is thrilling!!! AHHH!!!) and in the first couple weeks of June I'll be having a baby. That is a lot of news for one post.
Here is the summary with links if you'd like to be more clued in:
First we were excited to be missionaries, and have more BABIES!!
We waited and waited...
Then He said "NO", to the missionary thing and I wasn't getting pregnant.
Learned the humility that that required. (for both things)
And then I thought I just would never know why God did what He did.
Now I do.
Modern Gospel: Easier to Believe, a God Easier to Love, and a Whole Lot of Nothing.
"God will never let you go hungry". "God will never let anything happen to you". "As long as you have enough faith God will come through". "God loves it when you are happy". "God really wants to heal you, you just need to have faith".
There are so many lies we tell ourselves, our children and everyone that we come in contact with. Seriously, when did God say He wanted the people that to serve Him to be happy? Or that we deserve to be comfortable? That His blessings always come sugar coated in the form of a gift, and not a trial? What Bible are you reading!?!?!
I have to laugh, if not I'd cry, when I hear people tell their kids that God will never let them go hungry. Really? Why not? Maybe because you are American, or because you have a credit card, you have a wealthy family that will take care of you or so much in savings that you could buy your way out- but certainly not because God said it to be true. How can we say this when most of the world is hungry, and many of them believe in Christ? We tell our kids these lies, these lies that God is going to keep and then wonder why they find God so different when they hit those college years and God just doesn't come through the way we promised He would. He never promised, we did that all for Him. We are liars, thus making Him one by association.
What about trials? Okay, brace yourself: trials are the single biggest blessing from God- when do you hear that? They are though. They are the times when you are closest to God, the most dependent on Him and the least secure in yourself and what you have to offer. God cuddles, embraces and would love to fill in every gap of need with Himself- but we so seldom allow that or even want it, we have other things that make us "happy". Even those of us who brace for trials have a problem, we power through them, beat them back by our own strength reading self-help books, coping and "getting stronger because of it"- that is not what God intended either. God just wants us to give up, to surrender to Him the day no matter what it has, to not trust ourselves, to not power through but just to lean into Him and not resist His embrace. Through each trial HE should become stronger in us. Why? because the bigger you are, the smaller your God is, "He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less" (John 3: 30).
Why are so many disillusioned with us churchies? Well because we tell them "God is going to make your life better", and when they see the trials that come they think we are the biggest liars there ever were- and God gets clumped into our sorry little lot. But why do we feel the need to add a spoonful of sugar to our message? WHY? I guess maybe it is because we don't trust the real God. We have made God who we want Him to be, we've stolen the divine nature of Jesus Himself and allowed ourselves to make up who He should be in our heads. We rob God, ourselves and those we come into contact with when we do this- but it is a church epidemic. We don't let God make us, we make Him. It is easier that way.
We are mis-representing Christ, we are preaching the modern day gospel, the gospel that it would be easier to believe, a God that would be easier to love, and a life that would be worth crap even on the best of days. There are so many well intentioned but incredibly ignorant preachers, teachers and church-goers who steal God's glory, Jesus' power and the divine mystery of the Holy Spirit and give you a placebo, one that leaves the taste buds with a fruity taste but with nothing substantial to nourish the spirit within each man that cries out.
God does heal, He does desire us to be filled with faith, He longs for our love, He desires to be our hope, He wants us to trust Him- but not because He is predictable, or loving on OUR TERMS but simply because He is God and we are clueless. He is God, He is not how our minds entrap and create Him, He is God and I have just recently come to terms with the fact that I know so little about the one I should know the best.
Day 6: Be With Him.
Walk with God today, ask Him what He is asking of you and where improvement needs to be made. Or just walk along side Him enjoying the immensity of His presence and don't talk at all. That's why today my words are few, I want to lean into Christ to rest.
Sometimes when I am having a hard time hearing God I write in my journal to Him, then I sit and await an answer- even no words is an answer. So often He will just surround me and I know how He feels, sometimes He gives me words of encouragement, others he has something He wants me to know, or something to leave behind.
I love the following song, God stills me each time I hear it. Close your eyes and listen.
Previous Posts on Prayer and Fasting:
Day 5: That Quiet Grinding
Day 4: Define Me.
Day 3: Grace
Day 2: Giving Up.
Day 1: Starting Out
Allowing Blank Space.
Consider Change
On fasting.
Day 5: That Quiet Grinding
They aren't the large stones, or even the smallish ones, pebbles are the ones you might not feel when you start your run and yet by the middle of it they will make themselves known. Pebbles left in a shoe throughout a long run will rub the skin raw, causing blisters, creating a wound-taking the runner out by their mere presence -no matter how small.
What pebbles do I have in my running shoes, which after only a few miles will create sores and fill each of step with agony? A little character issue swept under the carpet here, another there, little thoughts, little words, bad attitudes hidden with white smiles, all these and many other 'little' things create problems in your spiritual walk.
Last night at our church's prayer meeting several of the leaders wept over the pebbles that they had allowed to be left in their lives while being too lazy to remove them, not even really feeling them-but for the repercussions these setbacks where having somewhere deep within.
We weren't made to run with that constant grinding, that nagging pain shoved down and ignored but out of embarrassment of its disclosure and the humiliation of its existence we leave them right where they are smiling at others through the pain. We all have these pebbles, we all have weakness. Jesus wants to remove your shoes, peel off your blood-stained socks, clean the wounds, let the air get to them and rinse away the pain as well as the guilt.
What if He chose a christian friend to do it? What would that exposure of your unkemptness show them? Just that you, as much as they need a good washing in the love of Christ. Be vulnerable, remove your fake smiles, let down the masks that glisten, be transparent, in that there is freedom.
Time to peel off the bloody socks.
Previous Posts on Prayer and Fasting:
Day 4: Define Me.
Day 3: Grace
Day 2: Giving Up.
Day 1: Starting Out
Allowing Blank Space.
Consider Change
On fasting.
The Latest Posts:
- We Loved With A Love That Was More Than Love.
- He’s more myself than I am.
- Valentine,You Must Allow Me To Tell You…
- Stones of Remembrance Because I Love Him: Mommy Jewellery
- Marked by Blessing
- Despair is Losing its Grip, a Lasting Peace Filling its Fingerprints
- Transformed Through Pain, Learning Who I Am Now.
- May There Be Beauty from This Pain.
I (adoringly) HEART—>
