May There Be Beauty from This Pain.
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
18/Jan/2012
Last night I cried out, in my pain I cried to the Lord. I told Him I missed my boy, that I trusted Him to take care of Shiloh and I just wondered with God about what my boy would have been like. Would he be more like The Husband or more like me? Would he look like either of us? What would he enjoy doing? Would his favourite food be mac and cheese like his brother Oliver?
Test results came in yesterday. We received the news yesterday afternoon that the physical death of Shiloh was due to infection. None of the listed or known ones, not listeria, or toxoplasmosos, or staph infection or strep b, none of those that are known currently to the medical field. It is not an infection that I currently carry in my blood, or that I could have known about. It has no barring on the outcome of future pregnancies- if we choose that. It does not increase our chances of this happening ever again. I asked the doctor if she would give me examples as to what it could have been, just for my mind to wrap around it. She said infection that can kill a baby is everywhere and yet the chances of infection at this stage are completely almost non-existent. She was almost sure the tests were going to come back as no infection, and that Shiloh had a chromosomal issue. She told me that under the right conditions that I could have even just breathed in an infection, that had caused me nothing and yet been the death of my baby. She listed off where the infection could have come from and I was shocked- it could have come from anywhere. It was a fluke, but I know that it wasn't I know that God called my little Shiloh before he could take his first earthly breath, that he called him to not suffer life on this earth, to not endure pain or sadness, to live his days from the start in Heaven.
I find it interesting that all that Shiloh will not have to endure is exactly what my heart aches from right now, sorrow, grief, loss, pain, sadness, Shiloh was spared, I was not.
The news that brought instant hope to me, that I could have not known to do something different, that my body was still strong and that I had not caused any harm to my baby at first filled me with hope for the future, and it still does. But what I was not expecting is that later that night I would cry bitter tears because my baby was perfect, he was beautiful just as my other boys. God took my perfect baby to be with Himself. I am in anguish. Shiloh would have been like my other boys, with some traits from me, some from The Husband- he had been made by God and would have been able to completely function in this world, had God not chosen to take him.
In my brokenheartedness God gave us this song though one of our loving friends, it really is my words exactly, and my heart's cry. It is the pain I have felt, it is the courage that I have embraced, it is the hope that I hold from afar. I like that through the pain there is strength and assurance.
This morning God gave me this word from Him, which Mercy Me made a song of below, very powerful to me right now.
Psalm 139
For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.
1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
For the first post: Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
Previous Post: The Father Calls Shiloh by Name
Loving Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
14/Jan/2012 (day five)
Today is hard too. My body is crying out for our little baby boy and producing milk for Shiloh. I have shed so many tears over this- more than anything to this point. However, now I have realised it is almost healing in a weird way, that my body cries out just as much as my heart for my little boy. The doctor thought that it would not be likely that I would lactate, but like the rest of this journey, unlikely has gone from meaning "it won't happen to me" to "Woah, I wasn't expecting this!". I have cried out to the Lord and begged for mercy. Being engorged with no option is insane. The doctor perscribed sudaffed, icing and wrapping myself really tight. This was not the way things were meant to be. I miss Shiloh.
This journey has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but through it I have felt the most loved I have ever felt. I weep as I hear from you all, I am just so blessed. God's arms are around me, and I feel he has an army of people to show me love in a tangible way. I have never been so overwhelmed by love, not ever. Each of you who have dropped by my home, brought me meals, sent flowers, emailed me to share your pain, commented on my last post, messaged me on facebook, or called-- It has meant more than you can ever know, you are love to me, it is absolutely beautiful. I am not alone.
God's grace really does rise up in these times to meet my need. My sorrow is great, and so is His love for me.
I just ordered some jewelry with all three of my little boys' names on it Jackson, Oliver and Shiloh. I can't wait to get it in the mail. I would have never had 'mommy jewlery' before, I admit it was way too cheesy and I am around my kids at all times so, why? Now it is different, one of my boys is not with me and I long for him. Pre- stillbirth, I hardly grasped the preciousness that life is made of. Through death I have come to understand the meaning of life. I have grown in patience with my boys, the loss has made me understand love, and what it should be so much better. My tears still come, mostly they are a waterfall for an hour or two and then I am in decent shape for a little while and then I cry myself a river. My tears are not in vein, they are liquid love for my baby boy.
15/Jan/2012 (day six)
By now I am sure there are already sceptics who are rolling their eyes and thinking we should be over this. Before this happened to us I may have been a little more compassionate than that, but not much. When we first found out if you had said that I would have punched you in the face and now, all I have to say is- if you think you could do better, go ahead and try. I challenge you to loose a child and then make any sort of judgement call on grief, I promise you that you will not have any judgement left in you. Brokenness will overtake any previous critical bone in your body and make you a better person, it has to me and it would to you.
When will I write about something else? Not sure. Currently this consumes me, when it does not I will stop.
Yesterday I picked up "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I am not sure yet what to think of it, however I know that I wouldn't have even considered it before. I am also looking into "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. Before Shiloh packed his bags and headed there I had a little, but very little interest in heaven. Now that he is there it only seems natural to find out more. If you have any suggestions of different books that you have loved through grief I would love to read them. Not books about grieving, as I am not quite ready to read about others and their grief, but just if you have one that has helped you learn more about heaven I would love to read it.
I mentioned to The Husband yesterday that I could currently be compared to one of those goldfish, you know, the ones with the HUGE bulging eyes that are bubbles out of their heads?? I have cried so much I wonder if my eyelids will ever be normal again. I may have done permanent damage.
I am up really early this morning. Any of you who know me well know I sleep. I do that well, or did it well. I don't know exactly how much sleep I got last night but it was very little. It is very uncomfortable to lay down when my breasts are in such pain. This physical angst does make Shiloh's life and death more real, and I have shed more tears over my milk coming in and having no baby here on earth to feed than about anything else. It is agony, in the purest form.
I am sharing a song below. This has been my song for a long time, it is my favourite song, when we first found out I wanted to sing it but couldn't bear it, even to think about choosing to say anything positive about it all was just not possible. Now I can think it in my head but forming the words is really hard due to sobbing. I think there is progress there, a progress in the heart which is more important than forming the words. I find incredible strength in this song and I want to share it with you as well. No matter what happens in my life I will bless and not curse the Name of the Lord. He is my strength and all we can cling to.
For the next post: The Father Calls Shiloh by Name
For previous post : Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
Sweet Holiday Memories
There are many special moments that were easy to enjoy with family and friends during this season. I hope you too had a dose of sweet memories. Jokes that still bring the ring of laughter to my ears, bonds that are deeper after our time together- I love that we could take a break and just enjoy eachother.
We Are Not All Good At Everything
I tried and I failed. I wanted to be a couponer- but I get anxious and stressed and it just doesn't quite work out. I wish it did because I know of many ladies who score free movie tickets (ehem....yep) and all the toothbrushes they could ever use for free. I wish it didn't make my heart race and my brain tingle but it does. It does. Maybe that makes sense, and maybe it doesn't, however I am sure you can relate in some way.
You know that right? We are all not good at everything, even things we wish we could be good at. There are so many things I am not good at and I am okay with (ei. couponing, cleaning...), and others that I wish I had given myself a chance to learn. Here it comes...I wish I could dance, street dance to be exact. I wish I had tried it, knew where to learn it and was excellent at it already. I sometimes wonder if I would have been good at it, and I tell myself that I would have been just to make me feel better about not knowing at all. I have watched all the street dancing movies available- they are horridly stupid with plots that my 5 year old could come up with, but the street dancing intrigues me.
Breakdancing clip.
When you have a dream do you feel the urge to conquer it, or do you just sit back and watch life tick by? What do you wish you were good at??
A Day at the Oregon Coast
A day at the beach here in Oregon means something very cold, windy and completely beautiful wrapped into an adventure unlike any other. However, because of the weather conditions the coast is something I enjoy admiring a little better from inside a cozy blanket, warm car, or beach house with some tea. Yet sometimes we all venture out and enjoy the blustery beauty for a couple minutes before racing back to a readied car.
On this last trip we discovered Julius is also a lover of the Oregon Coast- even lapping up the sea water when we weren't looking. It was dog and boy heaven and only the parents were begging for the end to come so we could warm up again.
I could stare at the ocean for hours, paint, sing, play guitar. The ocean is inspiration, the pure creation of God- its massiveness, that all amazes me.
Ratóncito Pérez Came For a Visit
Jackson has lost three teeth now- I am really hoping that the other front tooth falls out so that we get just a little bit of time without both of the top ones. It seems almost every time he is trying to talk to me now I just start laughing, it is endearing when they loose their teeth.
The tooth fairy doesn't make it to Spain, so when I was a kid I learned about a little mouse named Ratón Pérez. It is the same basic idea, the child places their tooth under the pillow and in the morning something very different is there.
Ratón Pérez comes to our house, he must be able to cross the ocean and head over. I have told the kids it is pretend, but it is okay to pretend and enjoy imagining what this little guy looks like.When Jackson lost his first tooth I started a tradition that Ratón Pérez would leave a picture behind of his story, so each night when Jackson looses a tooth I stay up late painting, it is very fun. These are for the first 3 teeth Jackson has lost.
How To Make Your Very Own Wool Dreads
Wanna be a dreadlock girl/guy too?
Each dreadlock only takes about 15 minutes!!
These can be added to dreads as I show in the video, or to attach them to un-dreaded hair you can make a loop with one end of the dread, and then bind it with some yarn or twine. Slide that loop up a proportionate section of your hair and then you can either braid it in up at the very top so it will stay or use another hair tie or twine to tie it into place. You can use this method of attaching your wool dread to a natural hair dread as well if you want it to be longer.
Make them for yourself or as a gift for your teens, college girls- sure to please, who wouldn't want a dreadlock!?!
I am headed off to make more wool roving dreads they are too easy!
Let me know if you have any questions, I'll be glad to try and answer them for you.
The Latest Posts:
- Mrs. Wanda Wilson’s Spicy Pickled Asparagus {Recipe}
- Off To The Oregon Coast
- To Open My Hands
- The Strength that Moves Me
- He Wished for Snow for Christmas, He Got it For His Birthday.
- Oh I Wonder, How I Wonder…Who Would You Be, Shiloh?
- Reminding My Heart to Be Thankful
- What Love Looks Like
I (adoringly) HEART—>
