The Husband: Watch Out, He’s On A Mission

I would like to devote today's post to exploring an issue that affects millions of marriages in our country: what exactly goes through a guy's head when his wife sends him to the grocery store. Ladies - a whole lot more is happening in our brains than you think when you ask us to run down the street for paprika, red potatoes and bowtie pasta. Understanding how a typical man approaches a trip to the store is, I believe, critical to marital success.

If your marriage is anything like mine, here's how the situation usually unfolds. It's about 8:30 at night. The husband, tired after a day of conquering the office, is stretched out on the couch doing whatever he likes to do - watching TV; reading; knitting, etc. The wife, who has been practicing what she's about to say for the last five minutes, walks sweetly into the room and bursts out in a sing song voice, "Oh fiddlesticks, I'm out of butter."

The husband instantly realizes what this means, but he tries to act like he doesn't. In fact, he tries to act like he hasn't heard what his wife just said. Which is, of course, very stupid. Seeing that she hasn't gotten the desired reaction, the wife brings out the big guns.

"I'd go to the store myself," she says in that same sugary, innocent voice. "But I was just about to start making cookies."

Now the husband is paying attention. He is forced to engage in the conversation because cookies are at stake.

'Would you like me to go to the store for you?" the husband asks in the same tone of voice that he would use to ask "Would you like me to give you my liver?" The implication is that he is willing to do it, but that it is an effort requiring an incredible amount of bravery and soul searching on his part.

This is where many women fail to understand what their husbands are thinking as they ponder a trip to Safeway. You see, when you ask your husband to go grocery shopping for you, you are sending him on a SERIOUS MISSION. It's a dark, dangerous world out there. He is reclined comfortably in his warm house. If you are going to send him on a mission for food rations, you had better take it SERIOUSLY.

It starts with the shopping list. When you wander into the living room batting your eye lashes and talking about baking cookies, you had better already have the list written. You see, the minute that we commit to making the trip, we are in mission mode. Our heart rate increases, our eyes dilate, and our adrenaline kicks in. We are thinking about vast, crowded parking lots, rows and rows of confusing vegetables that all look the same, and crabby old ladies who want the last can of spaghetti sauce. If you make us wait and peer over your shoulder while you slowly scrawl out a list, deciding whether you want three yellow onions or four, you are wasting precious resources. Mission mode only lasts for so long. If we have to wait before diving into the fray we are likely to tire ourselves out just thinking about the shopping trip before we have even left the house.

Once you have sent us on our way with a well-written list, a reassuring squeeze and a promise of baked confections, the next thing you need to focus on is MAINTAINING CONSTANT RADIO CONTACT. Do not turn off the ringer on your cell phone and take a bubble bath. Do not call your friend Susie and talk about your next book club meeting. Stay at your post and get ready - because we are going to call you. We are going to call you when we can't find the eggplant. Then we are going to call you to ask if you wanted the "lavender" dish soap or the "lavender peach" dish soap. Then we are going to call you to say that not only are we unable to find the ground beef you want - we can't find the meat section of the store at all. Finally, we will call to ask if you wanted a half dozen bear claw donuts or a half dozen cinnamon twists. The appropriate response is not to yell that donuts are not on the list. The appropriate response is "both."

The important thing to remember is that you are our lifeline during the shopping trip. If you don't answer when we call, we are alone in a big, scary world with no option but to seek refuge in the bakery and sample cookies.

Finally,  the way that you treat us upon our successful completion of the mission is incredibly important to our fragile egos. Notice that I automatically assume that the mission has been successful. That's because if we manage to return with food in bags for you, the mission HAS been successful. Rejoice over the bounty we've brought you. If you pull out a jar of green olives that should have been black, don't nitpick over the color. Simply exclaim in a joyous voice, "Oh good, you found the olives! And all by yourself!" Try to use the same tone of voice you would with a toddler who has just cleaned his room.

And of course, if any kind of salty snacks in bags were procured during the mission, it is absolutely wonderful when you let us open these bags and sample the contents. This tends to have a Pavlov effect that will encourage us to react positively to the next mission you send us on.

Now, about those cookies you were going to make . . .