What Love Looks Like
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
Over the last month and a bit, love has looked like cookies. Love has looked like soup, like a dinner to put in the freezer for later, like a tree to plant for Shiloh, a donation made in his name, an engraved bookmark, a book, a look, it has looked like so many things that I could not even mention them all and each meaningful to me. Love looks different when you need it more, when you accept it however it comes. It fills you when you take it in a bouquet of purple iris' paired with sunflowers, a sweet note on the door, a phone call that I don't have to return, or one that I do, a prayer, a word, a hug and a kiss. Love is so different than what I thought it was, it is being there no matter what, loving stronger and harder than any circumstance. Love is staying, love is being, love is not going anywhere. Love doesn't run away.
My Heavenly Father longs to meet me in my pain, to sit with me when I am in anguish. I think often we don't allow God to meet us, we run to others, and while they are there for us, God's love is perfect when nothing else is. So when I crave the deepest, hurt the most, or feel the furthest away- it is mostly that I need to just lean into Him, lean harder, trust stronger, even when I don't have the strength, really all it looks like is me opening my arms to Him. A simple motion that can be so hard.
My church had a retreat this last weekend, and as hard as it was to go it was even more of a blessing to be there. He is so faithful to meet me. Each step of trust caused pain, but so much joy. The beautiful ladies there hugged me over and over, sent me smiles, shared their sorrows. I felt loved on, filled up, yet still finding myself empty. I wondered why. I should have known.
During one of the worship sets I snuck away to cry, sob, and lay on the floor in a cold nursery alone. Tears came fast, my heart allowed to show itself broken. While I waited on the Lord to answer I wrote my prayer in my journal:
When your sunlight falls on me, how does it not shy away? How can life go on when I am feeling how I feel? When people don't understand? When I am so empty? Still you are Worthy. Still you are my Strength. Still you will supply me. Still you walk with me. Still you embrace me, you know my pain. In this too you are showing your faithfulness in my despair, your love in my weeping, your embrace of my heart that needs way too often to be filled. I need. I need. Please fill me.
Then I sat and wept more, surrender hurts- but not as bad as holding on to what He asks of me. When I gave in He spoke His words to me, I wrote them as well:
Laughter would not fill the sad, a friend would not meet your heart, a baby to hold would not fill the holes. Empty can only be filled by me. Empty can only be transformed when you don't fill it with the temporary. Empty will no longer hold its place, when to be emptied is to be filled with me.
Even after I hear his voice, still I am human I don't crave to trust Him, it is more brute force to believe than anything. But once I scrape and climb up to the altar and heave my pain there, the miracle is the weightlessness that I feel, the wholeness that I can call my own. It is nothing short of a miracle, a holy transformation and it lasts for a good bit, as long as I look to Him. Then when the emotion creeps in again, when my heart wanders, when friends have babies, when I see pictures of mammas with babies on their chest, I cringe and know again I have moved away. My gaze has shifted I am not being completely filled by Him. I crawl and scramble to His presence again. I am troubled and think this time it might not meet me, maybe it won't fill and make me complete. When I get there I realise all over again just how forgetful I am, just how I love to carry my own burden, feel my own weight of the pain, yet I was not made to do this, so I do it all wrong. I give all of me, my holes, my gripes, my fears to Him- He holds me and again I become weightless, filled, and satisfied.
God is what love looks like, yes because He sent His son...but also because He takes me and holds me for as long as forever. I just wish I were better at staying there.
Friends, family and tons of people in-between have poured out their love to us. There are so many intangible ways, but here are some of the tangible gifts and love that has been shared. I appoligize to those who made food, that dissapeared before I could get a picture. Still know we enjoyed every bite. There are more gifts I didn't get a chance to take a picture of, still I felt your love though them and I am so thankful that God has shown me what his love looks like in a way I had not known, through his people. If you want more info about each picture, click on it, then you can see what I wrote about each.
Thank you, for everything, each comment on my blog, each quote, each hug, email, letter, and card I wish I could say it and have you know just how much I mean it. Maybe if it is in all caps: THANK YOU!!
Please Heart Me Pillow
Valentines day is tomorrow, this is another project to whip up if you can use a sewing machine.They are perfect for your littlest valentines. I made the boys these when we had to go to the hospital overnight to have Shiloh, both boys told me several times that they read and re-read the note and when I looked at it I could tell it was very worn. I made them just as much for me as for them though, it made me feel better knowing if they were sad these pillows and notes would bring them some comfort. Sometimes a little comfort from home is crucial, especially during a difficult season. I told the boys they should make me one too, they don't seem to think they can use the sewing machine though, which is true.
These heart me pillows don't take long at all. You should have plenty of time by tomorrow, but these make great gits for your kiddos anytime- they work great for sleepovers, hospital stays, when they are sick, or anytime when they aren't staying at home. The idea comes from Amanda Blake Soule's book Handmade Home, she calls it The Family Heart. I call it the Heart Me Pillow.
The extra special feature is that it has a little pocket and now that both boys can read well they love it when we write notes to them. They beg The Husband to leave them notes when he goes to work.
What you need:
It is super quick, all you need is fabric, for whatever size heart you want (doubled so you have both sides) and then a square or rectangle of another fabric for the pocket, again it can be whatever shape or size works for you. You will need stuffing, and you can add lavender, rosemary or another herb to your pillow to give it a scent. I left that out. And a sewing machine, or the time and patience to do it by hand.
What to do:
Gather all your materials. Then cut your fabric, (for mine I used two pieces of fabric, about 8" by 8") making sure the 'right sides' are facing each other, cut out your heart. For your fabric, choose something your kiddos will recognize, not new stuff if you can help it. I used some of The Husband's old shirts and for the pocket pieces of an old linen dress I wore a lot. Remember that you will need space for a seam as you sew the sides together so take that into consideration. I cut out fabric with about 1/4" extra for the seam.
Before you sew the heart front and back together take the front of your heart and attach the pocket, using a zigzag stitch around three sides, while leaving the top open. You will need to first hem the top if you are not using a felted material, or you can let if fray if you choose.
After pocket is attached to the front, place both hearts (front and back) facing each other and sew all the way around leaving just a small hole, about 2" so you can add the stuffing. Trim points and rounds with scissors, allowing for less bumpiness, trim fabric close to the stitching with caution. Cut notches around the curves, carefully avoiding getting to close to the stitching.
Turn right side out, push out the curves and points. You can iron, I never do, but I am lazy. Stuff with your stuffing. Sew up your 2" opening by hand using a backstitch.
For more of the craft ideas I've posted: Knitting, Sewing and other Craftiness
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We Loved With A Love That Was More Than Love.
This is the last of the three quotes I wanted to share. I have had them highlighted for a while now and tucked away , awaiting the perfect way and time to display them. Then I found a couple of ideas online and while I liked the quotes, the colours were not to my liking. I decided to make my own printables, for My Valentine, The Husband....whom I have come to adore over the last ten years, each day more than the day before. Our recent shared grief has caused us to be bonded stronger than ever.
What are printables?? You can click on the image below that you like and then download, then you can print them on card stock to give to your favourite valentine as a card, or print on paper and frame to give to your valentine.
“We loved with a love that was more than love.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
Click on any of these options below to go to an image you can download and print:
Click on the link to go to each of my printables:
*Jane Austen: "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you".
*Emily Brontë: “He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
*Edgar Allan Poe: “We loved with a love that was more than love.”
He’s more myself than I am.
I have three printables that I have made for my valentine, that I want to share with you. This is the second printable I have shared, for the first Jane Austen printable quote, go here.
What are printables?? You can click on the image below that you like and then download, then you can print them on cardstock to give to your favourite valentine as a card, or print on paper and frame to give to your valentine. You may have to play with your printer settings a little to get size and colour right for your frame.
“He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
― Emily Brontë
Click on any of these options below to go to an image you can download and print:
Click on the link to go to each of my printables:
*Jane Austen: "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you".
*Emily Brontë: “He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
*Edgar Allan Poe: “We loved with a love that was more than love.”
Enjoy!!
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Valentine,You Must Allow Me To Tell You…
...how much I LOVE framed quotes! I think they are incredibly sweet and perfect. I have had them highlighted for a while now and tucked away , awaiting the perfect way and time to display them. Then I found a couple of ideas online and while I liked the quotes, the colours were not to my liking. I decided to make my own printables, for My Valentine, The Husband....whom I have come to adore over the last ten years, each day more than the day before. Our recent shared grief has caused us to be bonded stronger than ever.
The Husband and I both enjoy literature, and to read- so I thought it extremely fitting to give. The quotes I chose are the ones that I love the best, and the ones that I honestly feel. You might have others, but I decided to share these ones with you in case you would like to use them.
I have these three printables that I have made for my valentine, that I want to share with you as well. What are printables?? You can click on the image below that you like and then download, then you can print them on card stock to give to your favourite valentine as a card, or print on paper and frame to give to your valentine.
I will post the other two printables over the next bit, you are welcome to print as you would like, if you do find clever uses, that I have not thought of- please do share your ideas with me.
I have other valentine ideas that I will be sharing as well, forget the need to feel pressured into buying expensive items for your valentine, try and make something you know he or she will love. Putting time and work into your gift will surely please. Below I have four options of this same quote, that way you can select which look you like best, choosing your favourite coloured one and with or without texture.
"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
— Jane Austen (Pride And Prejudice)
This first pintable below is a romantic quote from the Jane Austen book Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy is the classic heart throb, so print these for your very own Mr. Darcy. You may have to play with your printer settings a little to get size and colour right for your frame. I chose to print mine on matte photo paper, and my printer had a setting specifically for that. I also chose to increase the size of the image by selecting the 'border-less' option. You may have to work with it a bit, as I don't know what your options are. I also chose these floating frames because I love how forgiving they are while having that matted feel.
Click on any of these options below to go to an image you can download and print:
Click on the link to go to each of my printables:
*Jane Austen: "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you".
*Emily Brontë: “He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”
*Edgar Allan Poe: “We loved with a love that was more than love.”
Do you have a favourite book quote for your valentine?? Share it with me.
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Stones of Remembrance Because I Love Him: Mommy Jewellery
Once we came home from the hospital, after the birth of our little Shiloh I immediately felt a lack or as if something had been taken from me. One of my good college friends mentioned that when she had two miscarriages she did little practical things to help her feel like she was remembering her baby. That really made sense to me, she mentioned an orchid (which I love) and also that she had some jewellery made. I knew that I had to do that too.
I have never been a fan of wearing this type of thing, it just never seemed to fit. Now I knew things had changed. I looked at different items on Etsy and narrowed it down to two. So I got them both, that is how I roll. I didn't want to leave the house until they came....it was a good thing they shipped really fast and now I can breathe more comfortably.
This one arrived first,a necklace I ended up getting it from SilverLime, I love it. This is just for Shiloh, just because. The number 12.1.12 is the 12th of January 2012-- it is the European order for the date, smallest to biggest, it makes more sense to me.
I had to wait a little longer to get what I was most excited about, a set of three rings from tinahdee an Etsy seller. She did not disappoint, these rings are even more beautiful and perfect than I had expected. I was a little worried about the fit, as I have a super small size and ring people always look at me like I am nuts when I tell them I wear a 4.5 but she didn't and when they arrived I slipped the rings right on and haven't taken them off since (well, maybe except for taking these pictures).
I wanted something that reminded me of Shiloh, as well as reminding me that I still have two little boys to love on. The boys thought that was a good idea too.
Honestly at this point I wouldn't want to leave the house without either. I am feeling much better than in the first days, still that aching is there- and these remind me that it isn't because I am just odd, but that someone is really missing from me here on earth. This mommy jewellery is my security blanket, and I am okay with that.
If you haven't read the story our our little Shiloh, read here.
I have been playing this one over and over....so I will leave you to it.
Marked by Blessing
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
Today I looked at pictures that were left on my camera from right before we found out about Shiloh's death, my swollen baby filled belly, when I when I was clueless of the future--it makes me feel as if I do not recognise that girl. It is me, and I seem the same to most people, maybe a little sadder- but I feel so different that I don't even look like the same person to myself. It is weird. I know that most of it is that I know how full of hope I was, and now. I can see the image of this scenario painted as a picture in my head, a huge fist barreling into me,from the front and along with the air from my lungs when the contact is made, from inside me are evaporating these painted words:a dream,a hope,a future. When they are released from my body they meet the air and mist to nothing. In myself, in my flesh that is how I feel. Empty. As if I have a loss nothing can fill. I know it is a lie, one that I see now how easy it would be to believe.
I see how easy it would be to be angry at God, but if all is His already than the blessings I have, that He has allowed me to keep are just as much of a lesson as those He has not allowed me to hold close. Some were a glimpse of what is to come, of a world of promise beyond this world. It also makes me think that we have coined the word blessings as something that feels good- and that it isn't the case at all. Blessings sometimes hurt, they are painful, they can be happy or pleasant as well- but hey are always for our good. Always. So if everything is God's I should be thankful for what He lets me keep, and not bitter, but thankful for what He asks of me. I know that in my head, I am still working on my heart. My heart is truly a fickle creature.
“When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place.”
― C.S. Lewis
I don't want to hear that, that there is a substitute for loss, or a blessing that will come in place of Shiloh. I don't want to come to the realisation that growth in character, feeling for others, and understanding could be the blessing that I will keep from this. In the first days it felt like nothing would be worth the loss, yet I have realised that because of this pain I now know what real pain feels like, it was like part of me was missing, the part that had blessings stored in heaven, the part that would sit with a friend knowing that I did not understand but I knew what loss felt like. It is a horrid feeling, misery, a dead end, hopeless, devastation, it actually literally hurts in your chest, like a pressure or that you can't get enough air- it feels like you have more of a gravitational pull (therefore a heavier weight on your whole body) than you should. I am now scared or marked.
With that scar I can lift my head high, I can use it- or I can live under it, a life that is marked by what has been done to me and be a victim of circumstance. Jesus was marked too, but His marks made Him no victim, they made Him rise to victory. I am not Jesus, but the more I get to know Him, the more I want to be like Him.
“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accept it. I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
In the last couple weeks after our loss I immediately jumped to, "lets get another dog", "maybe a canary that sings would make me happy", " honey bees-now!", "what new hobby can I find?"--I would like to say that I am kidding, but it is true. I am trying to find hope in my future again, which is completely okay, but yesterday I realised that was not all I was doing. I was filling my wound with temporary happiness or distraction. A hole was certainly left from all that Shiloh was to me, and I immediately tried to fill it with something other than God. It is true I prefer almost filler to filling my emptiness with Him, but it is also true that it is only He who will meet me right here and right now- and give me something that is not a filling, but what was meant for me.
“Let me implore the reader to try to believe, if only for a moment, that God, who made these deserving people, may really be right when He thinks that their modest prosperity and the happiness of their children are not enough to make them blessed: that all this must fall from them in the end, and if they have not learned to know Him they will be wretched. And therefore He troubles them, warning them in advance of an insufficiency that one day they will have to discover. The life to themselves and their families stands between them and the recognition of their need; He makes that life less sweet to them.
If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is 'nothing better' now to be had.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
A friend just shared this with me, I had never heard it before, and it is very perfect for me right now:
Previous Post: Despair is Loosing its Grip, a Lasting Peace Filling its Fingerprints
First Post: Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
The Latest Posts:
- Mrs. Wanda Wilson’s Spicy Pickled Asparagus {Recipe}
- Off To The Oregon Coast
- To Open My Hands
- The Strength that Moves Me
- He Wished for Snow for Christmas, He Got it For His Birthday.
- Oh I Wonder, How I Wonder…Who Would You Be, Shiloh?
- Reminding My Heart to Be Thankful
- What Love Looks Like
I (adoringly) HEART—>
