Transformed Through Pain, Learning Who I Am Now.

What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by.  To read from the beginning, go here.

The deep raw emotion comes and goes, the hole lingers, an emptiness that I have never owned before now belongs to me. This journey's trail rounds new corners, and then loops around to where I thought I already had crossed. There is confusion, and a re-learning of who I am, and who I am now that I have this seal of pain on my heart. I feel the rawness fade and the feelings of intensity become more like a scab than an open wound- but this is just as disconcerting as the previous stage of this pain. It allows me to think I can function in the world, and then am caught off guard by what will pull open this wound again letting it bleed bright red.

Once it is burst open I feel the need of flight, immediately. Where usually my instinct  prior to this grief was to fight, right now I can only think of how fast I could just get out of the situation where I can breathe again, where I can rest, where tears can fall without me having to explain, or having to justify what needs no justification.

Pain is remembered in infant carriers with small, downy  baby heads peaking out just below the warm blankets. It comes in waves of swollen pregnant bellies and families of 3 boys, waves of sadness lap over me. I try to be strong, thinking if God is walking through this with me why is it not easier than this?  God never promised easy though, it was my own assumption. I have learned I am not strong, I am weak, and that is hard for me to admit. He isn't taking my pain away, he is walking through it with me.

Trusting in God through this does not mean that I will just get over the pain, or just move on thrilled that I could experience this as a growing experience. Trusting God through grief is a daily choice I get to make, trusting his purposes is another daily choice- it isn't even one that I would prefer to make at times, but it is what he is asking of me. I haven't felt permission to walk outside of God's grace, of course that means I could choose to do that- but it is not the sweet spot where I feel the most loved, and embraced. Still for seconds anger creeps in, moments of despair surface, but those moments are not the ones that make me feel any better. Those are the worst of times, the ones that I can spend the rest of the day getting passed, allowing full feeling of bitterness, anger, or self sufficiency to consume me does not enable anything to grow from within me that I want to nourish. I do not feel better during or after, that is what makes me know that walking day in and day out embracing that would make me weaker, trusting in God's purpose and rejecting the temptation is that sweet spot where although I feel weaker now for not powering though on my own, I am the strongest I have ever been.

These quotes have blessed me over the last days:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for  and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Praise isn't denying the pain but pronouncing who God is in the midst of your pain. - Kathe Wunnenberg

Grief can cause us to relate differently to God, ourselves, and others. We may look the same, but we are forever changed and must learn to communicate and connect in new ways. We speak a new tongue: the language of loss. -Kathe Wunnenberg

The seeds of new beginnings and new possibilities begin to take root and emerge from our soul's soil. Tears can nourish us and help us grow through our grief. Over time, we may see a lush, green garden of hope, and our soul might bloom with the strength to press on, a result of God's life-giving power through our tears. -Kathe Wunnenberg

Today I came upon this one, each time I think of Shiloh, I am thankful God gave me a third boy- even if I am getting through the pain of Him not being with me. Right now, someday I will get to see him grow, see his smile, and he will know me as his mama.

I thank my God every time I remember you. Philipians 1:3

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