Loving Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
What follows are the days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by. To read from the beginning, go here.
14/Jan/2012 (day five)
Today is hard too. My body is crying out for our little baby boy and producing milk for Shiloh. I have shed so many tears over this- more than anything to this point. However, now I have realised it is almost healing in a weird way, that my body cries out just as much as my heart for my little boy. The doctor thought that it would not be likely that I would lactate, but like the rest of this journey, unlikely has gone from meaning "it won't happen to me" to "Woah, I wasn't expecting this!". I have cried out to the Lord and begged for mercy. Being engorged with no option is insane. The doctor perscribed sudaffed, icing and wrapping myself really tight. This was not the way things were meant to be. I miss Shiloh.
This journey has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but through it I have felt the most loved I have ever felt. I weep as I hear from you all, I am just so blessed. God's arms are around me, and I feel he has an army of people to show me love in a tangible way. I have never been so overwhelmed by love, not ever. Each of you who have dropped by my home, brought me meals, sent flowers, emailed me to share your pain, commented on my last post, messaged me on facebook, or called-- It has meant more than you can ever know, you are love to me, it is absolutely beautiful. I am not alone.
God's grace really does rise up in these times to meet my need. My sorrow is great, and so is His love for me.
I just ordered some jewelry with all three of my little boys' names on it Jackson, Oliver and Shiloh. I can't wait to get it in the mail. I would have never had 'mommy jewlery' before, I admit it was way too cheesy and I am around my kids at all times so, why? Now it is different, one of my boys is not with me and I long for him. Pre- stillbirth, I hardly grasped the preciousness that life is made of. Through death I have come to understand the meaning of life. I have grown in patience with my boys, the loss has made me understand love, and what it should be so much better. My tears still come, mostly they are a waterfall for an hour or two and then I am in decent shape for a little while and then I cry myself a river. My tears are not in vein, they are liquid love for my baby boy.
15/Jan/2012 (day six)
By now I am sure there are already sceptics who are rolling their eyes and thinking we should be over this. Before this happened to us I may have been a little more compassionate than that, but not much. When we first found out if you had said that I would have punched you in the face and now, all I have to say is- if you think you could do better, go ahead and try. I challenge you to loose a child and then make any sort of judgement call on grief, I promise you that you will not have any judgement left in you. Brokenness will overtake any previous critical bone in your body and make you a better person, it has to me and it would to you.
When will I write about something else? Not sure. Currently this consumes me, when it does not I will stop.
Yesterday I picked up "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo. I am not sure yet what to think of it, however I know that I wouldn't have even considered it before. I am also looking into "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. Before Shiloh packed his bags and headed there I had a little, but very little interest in heaven. Now that he is there it only seems natural to find out more. If you have any suggestions of different books that you have loved through grief I would love to read them. Not books about grieving, as I am not quite ready to read about others and their grief, but just if you have one that has helped you learn more about heaven I would love to read it.
I mentioned to The Husband yesterday that I could currently be compared to one of those goldfish, you know, the ones with the HUGE bulging eyes that are bubbles out of their heads?? I have cried so much I wonder if my eyelids will ever be normal again. I may have done permanent damage.
I am up really early this morning. Any of you who know me well know I sleep. I do that well, or did it well. I don't know exactly how much sleep I got last night but it was very little. It is very uncomfortable to lay down when my breasts are in such pain. This physical angst does make Shiloh's life and death more real, and I have shed more tears over my milk coming in and having no baby here on earth to feed than about anything else. It is agony, in the purest form.
I am sharing a song below. This has been my song for a long time, it is my favourite song, when we first found out I wanted to sing it but couldn't bear it, even to think about choosing to say anything positive about it all was just not possible. Now I can think it in my head but forming the words is really hard due to sobbing. I think there is progress there, a progress in the heart which is more important than forming the words. I find incredible strength in this song and I want to share it with you as well. No matter what happens in my life I will bless and not curse the Name of the Lord. He is my strength and all we can cling to.
For the next post: The Father Calls Shiloh by Name
For previous post : Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
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January 15th, 2012 - 08:26
The Alcorn book is a good one, if repetitive at times.
January 15th, 2012 - 08:27
Mi querida Betania: my heart aches for you and your family! I pray for rest and comfort! and I can (unfortunately) say that I know the pain, frustration, disappointment… of miscarriage! I did too read Heaven is for Real and it soothed my soul! Sending love, hugs, prayers and besos espanoles!!!!!!!!!!
January 15th, 2012 - 09:19
If you don’t have a copy of Heaven, you can borrow mine for as long as you would like.
January 15th, 2012 - 09:36
I cannot even imagine the pain you and your family is going through. I shared a little of your story with my husband, Jeremy. He said, “We should pray for her”. :-) We stopped what we were doing and pray that God with comfort you during this time of great sorrow. Besos wapa!
January 15th, 2012 - 09:52
Bethany. I feel like I should say something, but I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what it is I should say. Tears are filling up in my eyes as I read your words and try to imagine your pain- which I can’t. I can’t believe what your body is going through. God is good all the time. Just as Shiloh is your child, you are His & He loves you with a boundless intensity. I know you know that, just hope hearing it again is comforting. Praying…
January 15th, 2012 - 10:13
I am so sorry. There are no words. Prayers of love and support.
Toni
January 15th, 2012 - 10:31
I’m so sorry for your loss, I’ve been through this experience with Lissa. It’s tough. We planted a red maple in the backyard in honor of her first born son Isaac Andrew Forbes. Lissa found a nice round rock and painted Isaac’s name and the day they delivered him on the rock. The rock sits at the base of the tree. It’s been a few years now and I still think of Isaac. I look forward to meeting him in heaven some day. I imagine him sitting in Jesus lap looking down on his family.
Lissa journaled her thoughts as well I do think it helps to heal. I find the tree is healing for me. I love seeing it grow, and seeing the new leaves form in the spring. At Christmas I put lights on it. I pray the Lords comfort for your family. Love, Shelley & Eric
January 15th, 2012 - 11:52
There is no right or wrong here — your journey to peace will take as long as it takes. My thoughts remain with you.
January 15th, 2012 - 11:54
I am so SO sorry for your loss… I have not known such grief. But I can imagine… except I know I can’t. And I have read a few blogs that have helped me try to understand how to have sympathy when I know I can’t truly comprehend. Here are the links if you would be interested.
This one is a woman who was told her baby wouldn’t live outside the womb and decided to carry her anyway. She has a great blog (very good at processing her feelings like you are) and has some good tips for helping her girls heal from the grief too: http://angiesmithonline.com/2008/01/the-beginning-of-the-story/
The other one is a gal whose baby died of SIDS at 4 months, but still such great grief and is also very good at saying what she’s feeling and communicating to the rest of us her pain: http://firefightersfamily-dhjc.blogspot.com/
Both women are strong believers.
My friend gave me one of those necklaces with my kids names on it and I loved it… mostly because of the last name. It was empty but it represented the baby we were going to adopt. When people looked at it we were able to share the journey while we were waiting and how God had laid that on our hearts. You will be able to do the same thing only with a different story… When someone notices your necklace and and the three names… with only 2 boys at your side, you’ll have a testimony that has much weight laced with grief and more importantly hope.
I also have a friend whose daughter died of a rare genetic condition at 4 months. They only found out about it a week before she died. Heaven for Kids (Randy Alcorn) was a really good (shorter) book that helped her kids understand where their sister was. They just tread a chapter a night with them. I became so much more excited for heaven after reading both of those books.
Can you just pump a little to relieve the engorgement and then just wean off pump a little less each time? It might really help… maybe you could even donate some of it to a milk bank. My sister was born with a cleft lip and palate and my mom’s friend had a stillbirth baby right around the same time. She gave my mom her milk for a while and it was wonderful for my mom/sister and quite therapeutic for my mom’s friend as well. I know no one would expect you to do that, it’s just a suggestion.
I hope you continue to write. I love how you are clinging to the Lord and how strong your faith is. It really encourages me. It also helps me to become less judgmental and to have more compassion for those who are grieving. Thank you.
Dear Lord, please give Bethany, her husband and the boys peace. You know what they need and I know you love them so much. Please comfort them and help them to get rest and comfort. Thank you that the body of Christ is being your hands and feet right now. Please help them to remember far into the future. Thank you for trials as they help us to have compassion for others and they help us to draw nearer to you. Please use this horrible nightmare for you glory… Thank you that you love Shiloh and that he is experiencing such peace and joy with you in heaven along with Audrey, Gabe, Selah, Grace and so many babies that we wish could still be here with us. Help us to remember that you have everything under control and that you are working all things for the good of those who love you. Most of all thank you that Jesus died and rose for us so that we can look forward to our real home and peace with You. Amen.
January 15th, 2012 - 13:46
Keep pouring your heart out, Bethany, there is healing even in this. Thank you again for sharing. Praying for you today:)
January 15th, 2012 - 14:09
It is Sunday and just like the last three days..I find myself thinking about you. It is funny, I wanted to look up words in Spanish to comfort you with. Must be that I wanted to use a language you were familar with as a child;however, since I do not know any Spanish words….I will use use the words of your Heavenly Papa. ” Bethany, Mamma to three beautiful boys, You are very blessed and eternally loved. Do not lose heart. I am right here for you. Lean on me. Cast your cares upon me. I am able to carry you and your deepest heartache. I know what is like to lose a son. Feast on my truths of eternal life and everlasting love. I love you. Papa”
Rest today. Blessings heaped upon blessings, Charlee
January 15th, 2012 - 15:36
Oh dear friend, I am so sorry you and Brad are going through this. Your words in your journal mirror our exact thoughts and feelings from the loss of our son 4 years ago. My heart breaks for you guys. Shiloh will always be a part of your family. I know my words cannot fix things, but I will pray for you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and being so open about how you are doing. I think that really helps. Do not feel guilty about your feelings you are having. This is very real and it does hurt. I am so sorry. Love you guys. Lissa
January 15th, 2012 - 15:45
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
January 15th, 2012 - 16:56
Bethany – I hope no one thinks you should be “over” this. You will carry Shiloh in your heart always. I am sure there will be many times you wonder what he would have looked like or been like or what he would have done. I hope that the jagged edges will eventually come off of your grief, but don’t try to make it go away. I am fully persuaded that tears and sorrow are an important gift from God for mending our hearts.
Books that have helped me are a couple by C.S. Lewis – The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed. The Great Divorce is a little bit weird, but I found comfort in it after Grandma Cox died.
This morning at church the call to worship included parts of Psalm 139. I am constantly astounded at how God’s Word comes to me in my time of need.
With love – C
January 15th, 2012 - 21:31
Just me, listening to your words, praying, praising God he is with you and Shiloh, praying…
love and more prayers, Patty
January 15th, 2012 - 21:32
Your grief/sorrow/deep pain are so very real, because your son…was so very real. I am sorry for those who have the need to express that which they do not know.
It is your reality right now. And it is not only okay for you to dwell there, but it is necessary.
We will continue to pray for your broken heart.
January 15th, 2012 - 22:16
Hi Bethany, I am still praying for you and please don’t feel like you have to be over this. It took me about 3 months before I could feel somewhat normal. That the bleeding wound had finally scabbed over, yet it left a brutal scar. I read the same book and sang the same songs and cried those tears…Praise be to God my Father that He walks with us through the valley of the shadow of death.
I read the book by CS Lewis, entitled a grief observed. It was never meant to be published, it was his journals that he wrote during and after the death of his wife. It really brought healing and prespective to my broken heart.
I do love to think of your Shiloh and my Nicholas dancing before the thrown of Our God and can not wait for the day when I get to see my boy whole and I imagine he will take me to thrown and then I will finally meet God face to face and we will all dence together…
May the God of all peace and comfort surround you.
January 16th, 2012 - 03:46
take as long as you need….months, years…..it sure as hell isn’t anyone else’s business….this happened to you and no one else knows what its like for you but you….sorry – it makes me angry to hear of people being so hurtful and inconsiderate…. i couldn’t leave the house or smile or talk to anyone without bursting into tears for a good few months….i still miss her xoxo
January 16th, 2012 - 04:55
Dear Bethany,
Due to not being on facebook much lately, I just found out about your loss right now as I am reading your blog. I know there are no words that can be said to soften your grief, but know that my heart aches for the pain you are going through – a pain that cannot be fully understand except by the one living it. You are in my thoughts in prayers through this slow healing process. I know God is with you every step of the way.
January 16th, 2012 - 08:21
Praying for you. I am *so* sorry.
January 16th, 2012 - 09:04
Dear Bethany and Brad, we send you love. Our hearts hurt for you. We pray that God holds you. At points in our lives we experience dissapointment, but this type of deep sorrow and pain is a different thing altogether. Because of this shared sorrow it easy to remember you both as I go about daily life. I find myself praying for you constantly. I pray that you will both know you are held. I pray that your pain will pull you together not apart. Those who have walked in pain expect nothing from you.
Peace, Heidi
January 16th, 2012 - 09:18
Bethany, it’s been almost 15 years for me and I’m not “over it.” There is no correct timeline for grief. Everyone processes things differently. Time does make it easier, of course, and the pain doesn’t remain fresh and raw. But even now little things can bring it back for me. I will keep you in my prayers.
January 16th, 2012 - 09:19
My milk came in, too. I was shocked (my first baby and no one warned me) and just felt utterly betrayed by my body and by God. Anyway- hot showers help.
January 16th, 2012 - 09:31
Dear Bethany (and family),
Everyone grieves differently so please do it your own way, do what you feel you need doing. If writing helps, please write. Don’t care about what people say, it’s your journey, not theirs. And please know you are not alone!!
Thinking of you!
January 16th, 2012 - 09:42
Bethany,
For a year or so now I have been reading your blogs whenever I get the chance. So, it may seem weird, but I think of you as a friend I’ve never met. As I read your story this week, my heart feels heavy and tears roll down my face. I have not felt the pain that you are going through, but I my self am 3 months pregnant and can only imagine myself in your shoes as you endure this hard, long journey. Listen to your heart and grieve the way that you feel is best…cry, laugh, scream, dance, write if you have to and most of all love. I thank you for writing your thoughts and feelings. I hope that it is a way of healing for you as it helps others learn compassion and love. Shiloh is in a wonderful place. You are a strong women of God. He will carry you and your family through.
Our prayers are with you.
All my love
Kayla
Shiloh is a beautiful name.
January 16th, 2012 - 10:03
My heart is crying with you this morning, Bethany. Saturday night at Curt Duever’s retirement event, Teri spoke about the blessings of suffering – the changes in them in terms of compassion and patience. I don’t think it makes the suffering hurt less, but it gives it an element of hope and purpose.
The best book I ever read during my difficult times was A Grace Disguised by Gerry Sittser about his journey after the death of his four year old daughter, his wife and his mother at the hands of a drunk driver. It was a shepherd to me for days when I thought I couldn’t go on. He doesn’t give easy formulas or hold back the agony, but he but he tells how he moved beyond the darkness of loss and pain and into at the redemptive light of grace. It made me realize that I had joined what he called the community of suffering and it gave me hope. I have several copies and I will drop one off later today.
For other people, outside of your family and closest friends, this loss is an event and they truly love you and have compassion, but they move on and it becomes a memory. But only when you have suffered a cataclysmic loss, do you understand that the whole landscape of your life has been forever changed. There will be no “getting over this” but there is a way through.
I love you so much and am deeply moved and humbled by your transparent response to the loss of our little Shiloh.
January 16th, 2012 - 11:03
Just want you to know your family at KCAG are all holding you and your family up, grief is something we all go thru in so many ways. I dont think we ever get over loss of a child but at the same time it will become a part of who we are. Its hard to see how God will use your grief at this time but I have confidence that there will be many times ahead that this loss will bring a different level of understanding that God will use thru your lives. Tears are healing. When you come to the place you dont know how to pray or even reach out know you have an army of ones who love you and are standing in prayer for all of you! Our Love Don and Kathy
January 16th, 2012 - 11:09
I wouldn’t worry about what other people might do in the same situation. Everyone handles a situation differently and no one can really say how they are going to react until it happens to them.
I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. I will be thinking about you and I hope you post a picture of your new jewellery when it arrives.
January 16th, 2012 - 12:27
My heart’s been broken for your family’s brokenness, so I’ve been doing the best thing I know how, just praying for you, and weeping with those who weep. In checking blogs today I came across this post below, by a young woman raising orphans in Uganda. It’s about sunflowers, and seeds, and life and death. I hope it brings some small measure of comfort. When I was in the aftermath of divorce I clung to the daily readings in Streams in the Desert. Every single day was a devotional meant to comfort the hurting, and I needed it Every Single Day. So I would also recommend that.
http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-really-am-going-to-start-publicly.html\
January 16th, 2012 - 15:24
Oh my dear sister in Christ. I have not stopped thinking about and praying for you since I read your blog a few days ago. I have 2 boys myself, and I can’t even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. These verses made me think of you:
“Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” -John 16:22
“My voice rises to God, and I will cry aloud; My voice rides to God, and He will hear me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord; In the night my hand was stretched out without weariness: My soul refused to be comforted. When I remember God, then I am disturbed; When I sigh, then my spirit grows faint. Thou hast held my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I have considered the days of old, The years of long ago. I will remember my song in it; I will mediate with my heart; And my spirit ponders.”-Psalm 77:1-2 (It’s okay to take the time to grieve!!!)
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” -2Corinthians 1:3-4
I am praying for your minute by minutes. I know it’s hard to know “why” God has done chosen to call sweet little Shiloh home to him. He is in loving hands though and there is no better place. I pray your body returns to normal quickly and that you will find peace.
January 16th, 2012 - 16:52
“God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him, in the midst of loss not prosperity.” ~ John Piper
Bethany, you shine very brightly, my friend. I’m just so sorry it has to be in the midst of this pain (a road I’ve watched loved ones walk, but haven’t traveled myself). I’ve been encouraged by both of the Heaven books you mentioned; Larry Libby also has a childrens’ book on Heaven that was helpful for my boys. And in the days ahead, you might find extra peace in the pages of Kay Arthur’s “When the Hurt Runs Deep.” It deals with all manner of pain, but has helped me a lot as I’ve processed my own season of crushing sorrow. God is good, and it’s an encouragement to all of us to see you so faithfully clinging to Him. Praying peace and comfort for you.
January 16th, 2012 - 17:03
O….I have only been following your blog for a short time & when I clicked on the link today, I thought I was reading someone else’s post (not yours). I’m so sorry….which sounds lame….& I can’t imagine how you feel. I will be praying for you & your family.
January 16th, 2012 - 21:37
Bethany. I have had you and your family in my prayers since I received your e mail. I cried then and my heart has cried since. Thank you for sharing your steadfast faith with all of us through this blog. My prayers for you haven’t stopped.
January 17th, 2012 - 13:57
Bethany… I don’t know where to begin. Heidi Jensen passed your blog along to me, and oh, my heart aches with you. 8 months ago, I delivered our 3rd child, also still born. We found out at 18 weeks that she had no medical chance of life, and I carried her for 10 more weeks before Jesus reclaimed her. You are so right… there is nothing, nothing like knowing your child is dead inside you. But you have made the right choice: sometimes God glorifies Himself… and other times he lets His children glorify Him– YOU are glorifying God in a way the world simply drops their jaw and stares in awe. I know you said that you aren’t ready to read about others’ grief, but when you are, I saw someone suggested Angie Smith’s blog. She helped me SO much as I walked my journey. I wrote about my experiences, too, if you’re interested. http://www.annapianoruth.blogspot.com I also read “Heaven is for real”, and it was very powerful for me. God WILL reward you for your faithfulness. Praying, praying, praying for you. -Anna Parkin