Shiloh Maxwell Canfield
What follows are the first 4 days in the life of a late-pregnancy miscarriage, or stillbirth. Not the story anyone wants to share or have, but our story it is none the less. Please pray, we are no where near healed- this is the hardest pain, the deepest sadness I have ever felt. At times I have wondered if maybe my heart would stop from the grief. There is hope in the future, but right now it is sometimes hard to feel hopeful. Minute by minute we get by.
10/ Jan/ 2012 (day one)
Today we found out that our little baby, the one we had tried for for over 3 years and then conceived had died. At 5 months the body does not miscarry on its own, it will only do that in the first trimester, so it makes for a much more complicated process. It is pretty much like going in for a normal scheduled medical inducement, but nothing about it is normal. Words cannot describe my grief.
Sometimes I think maybe I shared to much, maybe put myself in a position of discomfort, but all in all I don't wish that things had been different on my part. If I am to share in the joys, I am to be transparent in our sadness as well. Loosing is the downside of life. Many times pain causes the growth we could not have grown of ourselves, it is what makes us more compassionate, more willing to love and slower to judge. To say that this was not a blessing would not be true. Each moment of the pregnancy since the first day I have loved my baby. I knew this child.
Death does take its toll. It does bring sorrow, however I feel that it will grow in me whatever I nurture, it will cause growth in compassion and love or fear and bitterness. I have a choice to make, sometimes many more than several times a day.
11/Jan/2012 (day two)
Loosing an extremely anticipated and already loved little baby is a very hard thing to do, but we didn't loose him/her. I know right where to look in heaven once we get there. No matter how sad we are, no matter the pain, my little baby is with the father who loves the best. I sense the lack, my baby is in perfect peace. Selfishly I long for the little one to be with me, but what better place to be than in the arms of a perfect father? My baby knew no sadness, endured no pain. Still, as I open my hands and give the babe over I honestly don't feel better. I think in time I will.
God does give and take away, and His timing is perfect. I wish I had a huge amazing revelation to make this journey all worth its while, honestly though I am just sad and feeling broken and that is all I can share as of yet. Your prayers are appreciated, needed is a better word. I feel a gap, a hole.
Tomorrow I will go in to the hospital, I will be induced and the baby will be delivered. This is so different than I ever expected. I asked the doctor what the chances of a miscarriage this late in pregnancy. She said less than half a percent of miscarriages happen now. It is the most unlikely time during pregnancy she said, the highest during the first trimester, and the middle of the pregnancy is the absolute safest time, the chances of complication increase slightly at the end again. Not sure if that makes it easier or harder...it is what it is.
12/Jan/2012 (day three)
Today is the day. I am so scared of so many things- but come what may, I will trust in the Lord. For the record though: This really sucks!
__
At the hospital:
I could not have wished for a better doctor, or a more responsive and dedicated nurse. I checked in at 7:30 and induction began at 8ish. Labor lasted just around 10 hours- which was much faster than even the fastest estimation of 17 hours (or more likely 30 hours). I had geared up for the worst and however bad it was and hard, I really felt God's arms around me consistently brining peace the whole way through.
We held the baby, he was small, but incredible. His fingers and toes completely formed. Even that was easier than I was expecting. I know though that when we head home the waves of grief will start lapping in again. But for right now, I feel a moment of rest and peace.
This is the email we just sent out:
Dearest Friends and Family,
Today was the birthday of our little boy Shiloh Maxwell Canfield. Bethany had a medically induced miscarriage, after we found out on Monday that the baby was no longer alive. The doctor was shocked as were we, as miscarriage this far along only happens in less than one percent of pregnancies. We are extremely sad,
We had a hard time picking a name at the hospital today. We chose Shiloh - one of its meanings is peace, and that is very fitting, because our God is a God of peace that surpasses understanding. We don't understand why things happened this way, but in the midst of it we have incredible peace.
Love you all,
Brad and Bethany
13/Jan 2012 (day four)
We named our little boy Shiloh, which we had never considered before, but as we sat at the hospital Brad thought of it. I knew it meant something about peace, and that seemed fitting- but it is the other meanings that we didn't know that get me now. We don't have a good word in the English language but it would be: "Wished For", or a word that expresses supplicatory potential like, 'Oh, I wish that...' or He who is to be sent. After learning these meanings, I know that God in his mercies placed that name in our heart. On our part 'wished for' and yet one who 'was to be sent' so early on.
No one wants to go through this, no one would choose this and I can't say how much it hurts. It will not be quick, there are no promises of when the pain will settle, I never knew the compassion that I should have for women in this situation. I was as well clueless to this kind of pain. It isn't a sorrow that most have endured, to be induced at the hospital- many hours later to bear a baby that will never cry or breathe. This is a child who most people would unknowingly say we had not known. It is a clueless assumption though, as I have never wept so bitterly even for those I knew and held and loved on for years, for those people lived their lives and died of old age- my baby that I held for 5 months was much harder than I would ever have known to loose.
My grief comes in waves, today is much harder than yesterday. Tomorrow could be better.
To continue reading, click here:
The Days that Follow a Stillbirth: Loving Shiloh Maxwell Canfield (days 5 and 6)
Enjoy this article?
The Latest Posts:
- Mrs. Wanda Wilson’s Spicy Pickled Asparagus {Recipe}
- Off To The Oregon Coast
- To Open My Hands
- The Strength that Moves Me
- He Wished for Snow for Christmas, He Got it For His Birthday.
- Oh I Wonder, How I Wonder…Who Would You Be, Shiloh?
- Reminding My Heart to Be Thankful
- What Love Looks Like
I (adoringly) HEART—>
January 13th, 2012 - 13:06
love you Bethany. praying for you.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:15
Bethany, I’m going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll send you a private message.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:17
Bethany, if I could hold you in my arms and hug you, I would never let you go. I am so very sorry for what has happened. You mentioned whether you shared too much. I looked forward to each of your photo updates and although I’m far away and the pictures and Facebook updates were the only involvement I had, just reading the word miscarriage brought tears to my eyes. I pray that the small grief I feel for you and your family can in some way ease yours even for a moment. Your faith in this time of sorrow means so much to me.
My love and prayers,
Jennifer
January 13th, 2012 - 13:18
My tears and grief are with you my friend.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:18
Bethany our hearts grieve with yours. We had a miscarriage at 16 wks 4 days my second pregnancy. If you need to talk please call or write. We are praying Gods mighty arms surround you with comfort and healing in this very difficult time.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:19
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Bethany. Lifting you all up in prayer. Shiloh is a beautiful name, and I’m glad that the meanings have brought comfort to you — truly inspired by God.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:20
I don’t know you. But I just wanted you to know that a stranger from Wisconsin is thinking good thoughts for you and your family. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:25
Sending love and hugs to all of you. You picked a perfect name. Prayers for peace for all of you.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:26
Bethany, I can’t imagine your sadness and pain. My thoughts are with you and your whole family.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:26
I’m so sorry for your loss. A friend of ours miscarried a daughter at 20 weeks a couple of years ago. It’s so hard to go through. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:27
I’m so very sorry for your tragic loss.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:28
My heart is heavy for you both Bethany, I know God will carry both of you thru this time and I will be holding you up in prayer!!! Love you Kathy
January 13th, 2012 - 13:29
A lot of virtual hugs and comfort your way. <3 Such a beautiful name.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:30
My heart goes out to you and your family. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. I hope you find the support and love you need in your faith and family and friends and that they help you get through this difficult time.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:31
sending lotsa big love & positive vibes your way. time and lasting love will set you free, bethany! you are not alone. xo, b.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:31
I had some of this written in a card, but it never seemed to come out right. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing. But I feel at the moment that I should tell you what God has put on my heart.
My tears stream down as I read this. I sob for you and your pain, my friend. I’m here to pray, to help carry your burden even if it’s only a little bit.
Since I heard the news, I’ve had a hard time sleeping. And now, when I wake up during the night, my thoughts and prayers are for you. It’s honestly been difficult to think of much else.
I ran my toughest mile this morning, thinking of you…and it ended in tears.
Ecclesiastes 3 comes to mind. There is a time for everything. And right now, it is the time to mourn.
Love to you,
Janine
January 13th, 2012 - 13:37
Bethany, I can’t tell you how much my heart hurts for your family. I cannot even tell you how brave you are for sharing this grief with your readers. I feel certain your openness and faith will illuminate the lives of others who have experienced such a loss. My prayers are with you.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:38
Oh Bethany. This breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew what else to say, but words are inadequate. Lifting you up in prayer today.
Rachel
January 13th, 2012 - 13:45
My thoughts are with you and your family, Bethany.
January 13th, 2012 - 13:52
We are praying for you and your family. Our hearts our broken for the loss of your precious son. It sounds so empty, but we would love to help with any practical needs.
Blessings,
Elizabeth and Jeff
January 13th, 2012 - 14:00
I’m so, so sorry, Bethany. My heart goes out to you and your family. You are so brave to share this with us all.
January 13th, 2012 - 14:01
Bethany, my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for your loss and will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I have firsthand experience with this particular brand of grief as I lost a baby boy 19 wks into my pregnancy. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.
January 13th, 2012 - 14:13
Bethany, I know I’ve already told you this, but I had a miscarriage (although an early one) and you’re right – nothing prepares you for that kind of sorrow. And people will say the stupidest hurtful things in their good intentions. I am here to listen if you ever need someone (or to watch your kids if you need to get out of the house – just give me a call).
I also have a friend who is a pastor’s wife who went through almost the exact same thing you did a few years ago and I’m sure she would be there for you in a heartbeat if you wanted to talk to someone else who has been through this too.
January 13th, 2012 - 14:23
Your strength amazes me. I know you probably feel as if you have none right now, or that this experience has taken every last ounce out of you, but you are an amazing woman. The fact that I can see hope in this post, is a testament to just how strong you really are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
January 13th, 2012 - 14:28
I am thinking of you dear Bethany.
January 13th, 2012 - 14:44
Bethany my dear friend, I am far away now and we weren’t close friends, nonetheless I am lifting you in prayer. I cannot imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your loss, praying.
January 13th, 2012 - 14:45
Oh wow, Bethany. My heart hurts for you and your family. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m praying for you.
January 13th, 2012 - 15:26
I am praying for you Bethany and your husband and boys. So sad for your loss.
January 13th, 2012 - 16:46
Bethany, thank you for sharing your heart with us… my own breaks for you. I wish I had words, but there are none. Please know you and your family will be in my prayers. A lot.
January 13th, 2012 - 16:51
so so so sorry to read this… know that I’m with you in thoughts in this incredibly tough times…
January 13th, 2012 - 16:53
Words cannot express my sorrow or my love for you. I am thinking Gma Cox is going to have her hands full with a Canfield boy!
Aunt Catherine
January 13th, 2012 - 17:35
Love and prayers!
All the words already sent your way, are traveling to you via my heart AGAIN!
Stu and I are in tears, mainly of sorrow for your loss.
Considering the tears of joy, from your words of encouragement, for his presence with Jesus!
January 13th, 2012 - 19:18
My dear Bethany, be sure that I will be praying for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss and pain, we can only know and recognize that God will be with you and your family through this hard time.
January 13th, 2012 - 19:22
There are no words except to say I am so thankful you know our loving Father as a loving Father.
January 13th, 2012 - 20:18
we love you so much! praying lots and lots for His peace and comfort.
January 13th, 2012 - 20:44
I am so.very.sorry.
I have walked this journey and I know the heartache. And I remember the trust in HIM. And the deep sadness.
You are in my prayers.
January 14th, 2012 - 02:33
Dear Bethany and Brad,
I ache for your sad hearts. My daughter-in-law gave birth to twins, Blake and Bailey, last year January at 24 weeks. They lived 9 days and 23 days. I know your overwhelming sadness. I know your amazement as you looked at Shiloh’s perfectly formed little body. I also share in your sure hope of Shiloh’s security in the arms of the Saviour.
The loneliness and heartache seems suffocating, but God does bring grace and encouragement in unexpected ways.
May your hearts heal as you trust in God’s goodness. Praying for you both.
January 14th, 2012 - 02:45
oh my dear, my heart is aching for you. I will pray for you and your sweet family. oh it is so hard to trust that plan sometimes but I know you will hold fast to your faith and come out okay.
January 14th, 2012 - 03:57
Oh Bethany, I am so sorry for your loss. I know your pain is deep. I wish I could reach through and give you a hug, because I’ve known that same awful ache before.
What a precious name you two chose for your little boy, Shiloh. I just love that. I will be praying for you friend. Jesus is truly the healer of our hearts as you know.
Much Love,
Bethany
Here’s our story about losing our daughter at 22 weeks if it helps at all to read: http://feglesfive.blogspot.com/2011/12/happy-birthday-melaina.html
{Hugs to you}
January 14th, 2012 - 05:58
Bethany, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family.
Kari
January 14th, 2012 - 11:44
I wish I could express just how much each of your comments and wishes, and prayers mean to me right now. More than ever before I am grieving, but more than ever before I feel loved. Thank you each so much, I can’t express in words how blessed I am. Thank you.
January 14th, 2012 - 11:47
My heart breaks for you & with you. I am so sorry you are going through this. :0(
January 14th, 2012 - 12:45
My heart breaks for you and Brad and your boys. May God wrap his arms around you and lovingly carry you through this journey. Our prayers are with you. Peace be with you. Cork and Deb.
January 14th, 2012 - 13:13
Bethany,
So sorry to hear this news, and I am praying for you and your family. “May God bless you and keep you and an make His face shine upon you and bring you peace.”
In His love,
Patty Nosack
January 14th, 2012 - 13:48
I am so sorry for your loss. May God’s peace be with you, your husband and children. May your grief be eased by His love and faithfulness.
From strangers in CA praying for you.
January 14th, 2012 - 14:12
Dear
Brad and Bethany,
I am so moved by your story. Your courage to write how you feel is honourable. In writing your feeling it helps me to define mine. I wish your family peace, love and strength. Your in my thoughts and my prayers. With love from England….Emily
January 14th, 2012 - 15:19
Bethany. I don’t pray much anymore. But today, I will pray for you. Because you asked. Because I love you. Because it’s really the only thing I can do. Thank you for your honesty and openness in sharing this journey of love and grief and mourning. You can see from these comments how many other women and families have lost children during pregnancy, and how meaningful your words are to them, and how much they want to reach out to you during this time. No one can know what you are going through, but still, you are not alone.
January 14th, 2012 - 15:30
bethany and family….i don’t know what advice to offer, just keep trying to put one foot ahead of the other….breath in and breath out….i am a mum to three boys and we lost our only little girl to miscarriage…..i still don’t understand it and i still ache for her each and every day but i know she is waiting for me as your shiloh is waiting for you….be sad for as long as it takes…..don’t listen to people who don’t understand – this is your grief, this happened only to you and your family….take as long as you like….celebrate the time you had….
January 14th, 2012 - 18:26
Brad and Bethany, I am lifting you up in my prayers. I pray for healing, comfort and peace as you travel this journey. Proverbs 3:5. Hugs to you both.
January 14th, 2012 - 20:09
Brad and Bethany,
My heart breaks for what the two of you have and are experiencing. I have no fitting words to say, but just know that we will be praying extra prays for your family.