The Husband: Thank you, donut farmers

On June 4 2010, something incredible happened, though you may not have realized it. First of all, it was my birthday, which is pretty incredible by itself. But not only that, my birthday this year fell on a Friday, which happens to be my favorite day of the week. I know what you're thinking - Whoa, this is getting freaky - but wait, it gets even more amazing. This year my birthday also occurred on NATIONAL DONUT DAY. No I am not joking. I would not joke about something like this. And as if all that was not unbelievable enough, this was also my 29th birthday, which is PRECISELY the number of donuts I could eat in a row without throwing up. The last time this many numbers matched up on the same day, all of the world's computers crashed from the Y2K bug.

Okay, let me back up. Probably like you, I did not realize that the first Friday of every June is officially designated as a day of honor for the most perfect food that Mother Nature ever produced. But it's true. A friend sent me a message on Facebook and then I looked it up on Wikipedia, so the facts here are full proof. Apparently this special day was created in 1938 by the Salvation Army as a fundraiser to help feed the hungry during the Great Depression and as a way to recognize the hundreds of Salvation Army volunteers who served food (mostly donuts) to US soldiers during World War I. I also think it's a perfect day to offer gratitude to the many fine donut farmers who grow this magnificent crop.

I was essentially raised on donuts during my childhood. My dad often took me to work with him, and just down the street from his office was an oasis of deep-fried goodness - a Dunkin Donuts. I recall being six years old or so and sauntering into the sweet-smelling shop with my dad early in the morning to order up a bag of bear claws and maple bars. Then the two of us would sit at the Formica counter, staring blearily out the window, sipping black coffee until our brains started to function. I am, of course, kidding about me being six years old and drinking black coffee. I took a little bit of cream in it.

What is it about donuts that makes them such a perfect food, worthy of their own day? I suggest a few things. First, they are round, and a circle is a perfect shape, so that's a pretty good start right there. But when you add that hole in the middle, things start to get mind-blowing pretty quickly. The hole, of course, allows one to grip the donut in a firm manner and thus consume the donut more rapidly, which is important because, if you are doing things right, there are more donuts waiting to be consumed and you need to get to them before some other guy does.

I challenge you to think of another food that has the unique hole feature. Go ahead, I'll give you three seconds. Time's up. If you said "bagel," I'm sorry but you gave a terrible answer because a bagel is, in fact, nothing more than a failed attempt at a donut. It's a donut that never got sweetened and deep fried and instead had to settle for sesame seeds and some cream cheese. People who eat bagels don't even use the hole feature; they use little plastic knives and nibble delicately about the edges like squirrels.

Finally, donuts have a spiritual quality to them. They are literally good for your soul, in the same way that really good drum solos and movies featuring Rusell Crowe are good for your soul. This is why so many churches have donuts in the foyer after Sunday morning services.

I've examined a calendar (actually I didn't, I'm just guessing) and the next time my birthday will fall on a National Donut Day will be something like 2030, when I will be 49 years old, which is going to be another astounding alignment of numbers because 49 is the number of donuts I could eat in a row with the help of a stomach pump and an IV.

In the meantime I will continue to celebrate many days, even days that are not Friday, by visiting my local bakery and consuming various kinds of donuts. And if I see anyone buying a bagel I will make little squirrel noises at them and challenge them to man up and order a bear claw or six. Because as far as I'm concerned, every day is National Donut Day.

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