Marathoning For Immortals: Why do I try to get comfortable?
I just ran the half marathon in Eugene Oregon. Most of you are probably sick of hearing about it, and about running period. But from it I have learned some things about myself- some good things and some things that I would like to work on changing. First let me give you the before and after of my thoughts just so you can see the thought process.
Before the Half Marathon I was pumped up, excited to just run it- happy to be involved in something big and fun and that I had worked for. This is what I remember thinking before the race: The slower I go the first time, the more chance I have to PR next time, the better I will feel in consecutive races as I pass or don't pass my personal goal. I set my sights in front of me, run to run, because I can honestly say that I enjoy running now- there is no disappointment in that, none.
Immediately after I was done with the Half just 3 days after, feelings of inadequacy crept in, a feeling that I could have (and should have) tried harder, worked harder, run faster. That I let 
myself down, others down-people who were expecting things from me. When I work for something hard, train really hard, and then fail- why does that hurt so bad? The funny thing is I didn't even have a goal and still I finish and feel like I let someone down. What on earth drives me to compare to others and not be satisfied with the outcome of my work? The inner battle that goes on from unmet expectations can consume your joy in having reached a perfectly HUGE goal in just finishing it. Why this need to go faster, be better?
After thinking those things I was then convicted. That was not what that half was about for me, not before, not during it or after it. I ran to run, not for any other reason. I was reminded (by my friend Becky and Sherri, Jarod and then some other runners feeling the weight of unmet goals) I realized there really is a lesson in this- for me at least. It is the lesson and reminder of where my priorities should be. And even so much more important than that: where is my value and my worth? Where do I place value?
For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come. 1Timothy 4:8
These are all questions that have been filling up my mind. Running really does show me life, but maybe not the way I expected. Running reminds me of faults in my life that I am working on, the need to compare myself, and the need to succeed. Running blurts out my life issues like poprocks under a microscope. Because my gaze should not be fixed here, but somewhere else.
I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God's heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:14
My eyes should not be fixed here, they shouldn't be fixed on others or myself- but on Christ. I can still run, still run hard- but just remember that it isn't for me at all, and it never should be about me either.
Share your thoughts with me, what have you been challenged in lately? Is God working on some tender parts in your life?
PS. This is what God has been doing in me and in no way implies that people who try to meet running goals are in the wrong, just that God is using my running to speak to me and mold me- ridding me of the imperfections that bubble to the surface. I know we are all molded and changed by the things that we love and bring us joy, and also the things that make us work and persevere.
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May 11th, 2010 - 18:45
Oh man do I ever know exactly how you feel. After finishing my half, I quickly went from pride and elation to…embarrassment is the best way to describe it. Hoping no one would ask me my finish time, like there was something wrong with 2:35 minutes. I think running also for me highlights my insecurities and my desire to be “good” at something. I have been able to keep it more under control after the marathon. I think no matter what it tries to creep in. Like I’ve told you, I no longer ask people their finish times or volunteer mine. It helps me to put the focus back on the real reasons I ran it.
May 14th, 2010 - 08:00
I am glad you get me friend :) It is hard when you have been looking forward to something and then it is over. Yeah, the time thing would be good for me too. I am just so curious!!
May 12th, 2010 - 00:30
You are right on with this post. It actually happened a little different with me. I had a very bad experience at mile 17 (http://marathon.jk-audio.com/?p=116) in Eugene, and it was at that point that I first started with the negative thoughts. I finished the race, and (now) feel I did very well, but the rest was very much how you described it.
For me, I had a spiritual break down about a year ago that was directly related to the death of my Brother, and I ran short distances prior to my break down, but the longer distances were the only time I felt as though I was in God’s presence. So I needed to do distance to feel that connection. I have been running distance almost 10 months now, and it is odd (and I didn’t realize it until now) But my running journey has been just as interesting and has paralleled my convictions and my journey seeking a stronger more real relationship with Christ.
There is so much to be said about this… WOW… Thanks for opening that can of worms…
Thanks for your post Bethany!
May 14th, 2010 - 08:11
It is so up and down with me on my feelings about how I did.
I had no idea about last year- I read your comment days ago and can’t stop thinking about your brother. I know what you mean about running until you feel in God’s presence. That is why I decided to run again as well. It does sound strange to a non- runner, but I think most distance runners would agree that something breaks in you after you have been running for a while, it triggers you to look deep inside or mostly to loose the hard shell that is easy to maintain when you are not running. I think that shell breaks with God at those moments too and He is able to get through in a deeper/more impacting way.
Yeah, this whole thing does bring up stuff doesn’t it!? I am so glad you understood where I was coming from.
May 13th, 2010 - 09:02
I hear you. I walked the Portland Marathon in 2005, and my only goal was to finish. I did, with a finish time of 7:02:16, and I was VERY proud of my medal and having finished.
I walked it again in 2006, and this time I had a goal of finishing in less than 7 hours. I worked hard, and unfortunately added a second or two due to trying to be ethical – I used a portapotty in a parking lot around Mile 12, and when I came out, I realized that since the bathroom stop was on a corner, I could cut across the parking lot and make the route a few feet shorter. I opted not to, knowing I’d never forgive myself for not sticking to the course, and walked back through the flowerbed the way I’d come in … but realized quickly that I was actually returning to the course about 10 feet farther back, meaning I’d repeat those 10 feet. I figured I’d rather do part of it twice than skip any, but pushed pretty hard in the next mile trying to make up whatever little bit of time I’d lost. So I probably finished faster than I would have, since I went faster in that mile, but it’s hard to say what my time would have been without the confusion.
My official time was 7:00:01.
Even after all this time, it’s hard not to feel like the first (faster) time was more of a success than the first. If I ever do a marathon again, I am going to go back to my first goal – finish, and have a good time. Since I am not and never will be a competitive athlete in any way, that’s a goal I can accomplish, and I think it’s better for my soul anyway.
May 14th, 2010 - 08:13
It is so strange what we do to ourselves as far as torture after we have done something great!! Both times you walked you did a great job, it is that yucky competitiveness that ruins things. I think most of the time I compete worst with myself- just as you did in these two runs. Oh, it is really not fun. It is way more fun to just chill and have fun and be happy with whatever comes of it. That is hard to do, and I am working on that as well.
May 14th, 2010 - 16:48
Oftentimes its about getting back to basics and it sounds like through your reflections that you’re doing that–finding the true reason why you love running. It isn’t about the time (although it’s amazing to me that you finished–I can barely run 3 miles without feeling the need to fall over) but finding the greatness within you and outside of you. And you do this, Bethany. You’re very admirable.
May 25th, 2010 - 12:18
I’m so behind on your blog! Took a little blog-reading hiatus. Hey, even if you meet your goal this can happen. I was happy with my result, but still in my head there’s that “not quite good enough” voice. It’s hard to block it out.
I run because it makes me feel alive. I run and thank God for giving me strong legs. I run because quite frankly, I still like to compete. That drive doesn’t go away, even after I have kids. It’s an outlet. And for me, since I don’t have a whole lot of opportunities, it’s a time where I can be alone and talk with adults without kids pulling on my leg or screaming (not that I don’t love my kids). It’s my way to witness and God has brought about lots of opportunities from conversations that were seemingly started out of nowhere. When I run long miles with friends, conversation is great. When I run fast and hard, it feels good. But I do know what you mean. It can become an idol. And I have to be careful of that.
But since you asked, God has been working with me on contentment. In a lot of areas.