I’m Done Eating Bubbles (A Post About Love)
photo by richard.heeks
God knows my love language, He knows I need to actually feel the pressure of himself all throughout me. The settling of his weight so light and thick- a feeling that I can only feel and not describe. I am not really a person of words, although they do speak to me, I am a person of feeling. My love language is touch.
I married a man who's love language is not touch, his native love language is words of affirmation. Although we both try to be literate, or even conversationally fluent in each other's love languages we just don't get how. I long to be filled up by him knowing to hold my hand when we are walking, or put his arm around me- but when he tries it is awkward and feels fake or stilted, and I push away, because the awkward touch just leaves me wanting for the way it could feel, but doesn't. I do the same. He is very sweet about it, but it hurts him just as bad. He longs for words- words of affirmation. When he does something (anything) he wants immediate praise, I feel that I am giving him lip service when I say: "great job!", "Thank you for..." and other cliche phrases that are written on kindergarten stickers to be doled out by smiling teachers. I feel foolish and incompetent and every-single-time I feel inadequate to give him what it is that fills him up most, and I am.
I have never heard of a couple that is able to satisfy the other just perfectly. Is that surprising? I hope not. As much as we can lean into each other and learn to better speak to each other- still there is one, and only One who always gets it right. God. Every time I feel sad about The Husband's deficiency (or my need) it is because I am not feeling it enough from God. If I would let myself be met by Him who can do it so perfectly that would also free up The Husband to do the best he can and it would just be the blessing on top of blessing to bring me to overflowing. When I depend first on man, and then fill up the remainder with God it will always feel like eating bubbles. But when the soul is satisfied by the stout satisfaction that is Christ, The Husband's well meaning love isn't empty bubbles anymore it s a sweeter blessing than my words could express.
Just as I say this and read it back to myself I still wish it could be different. I wish I could be whole without God. My sin nature really fights dependency to an extreme level, even dependency on someone who won't let me down. In my human state I would rather feel some holes than trust anyone. Running to God does not come naturally to me, I would rather lean on myself while pretending to lean on The Husband and be annoyed when he falls short while patting myself on the back with feelings of false humility thinking of how really I am a martyr (ha!. I would rather not have to invest the time in God that it takes for Him to burp out the air bubbles of imperfection that others have left inside me. I then realize just how selfish it is for me to be this way. And how if I keep it up The Husband is doomed to never be good enough and always fail.
Bring it on God!!
I hear it coming. Pat, pat, pat...."BuRRRRRRP!"
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I (adoringly) HEART—>
May 27th, 2010 - 17:57
i’m so glad i’ve found you dreadlock girl! (through ann voskamp) what a cool post. i will be back. (ps. i’ve had dreads 1 year, 3 months…)
May 27th, 2010 - 19:35
Beautifully said Bethany, You are right, I know no couples who are able to fill each other up. I too have chosen, about 10 yrs ago, to acknowledge that the problem isn’t my man. The problem is the God-shaped hole in me. We have been duped, every marriage seminar tells us to love, talk and give the other person what they need. That’s nice, but the reality is, it’s our hole, our need, our longing. We only learn to begin filling it through the power of the Holy Spirit as He guides us to full dependence. This message is the opposite of what the world says. We are told to fight for what we want, make him give us what we need or kick him to the curb. In Jesus, we offer our needs at the foot of the cross and ask for what He knows we need. It doesn’t always come as I’ve wanted, but He has satisfied my soul.
Thank you for sharing…the real you is beautiful!
May 28th, 2010 - 08:14
Oh. My. God! There are not enough ways to tell you how much I needed to read this…TODAY. Love it, love it, love it.
May 28th, 2010 - 12:02
How wonderful to have such wisdom at this point in your lives! You have wondrous years to grow into each other. I will always grieve not growing old together with a husband, to have the joy of learning to fit to the shape of another, to look back on a shared history. I see the strong, flexible, durable relationships of my friends who have stayed together and I see how beautiful it can be. To see how much the languages and styles merge into a satisfying compromise.
If you truly seek to live out the love of Jesus toward one another, the differences become more enduring, if not, they will continue to grate and grind and become intolerable.
May 28th, 2010 - 15:03
I spent a lot of years eating bubbles…and just as you’d suspect, all they left me with was a bad taste in my mouth (and a lot of shattered dreams). I think that’s why I’ve been single now for 8 years. I needed to learn to have no other gods, and to rely on the one true God for all things, through all things. It’s still such a struggle because my love language is touch, too, and I still long for that, so deeply at times. But God is faithful to fill me up in so many other ways – like, with 3 kids who put up with my constant hugs and snugglingl!
June 1st, 2010 - 08:23
Very well put. My hubby and I are the opposite. My love language is verbal and his is touch. :) I could definitely relate. Yes, only God can fill those empty spaces that we always want our spouse to fill… embracing our differences and allowing God to fill the spaces… and along the way when we stop trying to change the other person and work on ourselves, we find that there are little changes that occur that just naturally fall into place and life is that much sweeter because we aren’t striving anymore. :)
I came across this wonderful poem about humility and it really touched me. I read it almost every day as a reminder of how I long to be. :)
“Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised: it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about it trouble.”
July 13th, 2010 - 21:37
Hey Bethany!! I have been participating in the OT Challenge that you host but never got around to reading this blog of yours. :( Glad to be here..
Wonderful post!! Thank you so much for this!! I needed to hear this now!! :) Will be back for more reading!