To Obey is Better Than Sacrifice
Jackson (5 years) told me that he wanted to write out the Commandments. We couldn't quite fit ten on his stones.
We have been going through seasons of change, of difficulty, of quiet and silence as far as direction goes. Recently we have heard God's leading. A while back we felt God called us to be missionaries to Spain and with all our hearts were thrilled to go. When we visited Spain we just didn't have a peace about it at all, it was an unmistakable 'NO'. This was confusing, nothing short of devastating but I clung to the verse that 'To obey is better than sacrifice' (1 Sam. 15:22) or in my case it would be to obey is better than blessing- because I just couldn't wait to go. As much as I know the truth in that, and in serving where He has called us it was hard. So then by assumption we just decided to stay at the church to which we moved, so that we could go and work with my parents in Spain, because maybe God was calling us there instead. I do not doubt for one second that God's plan and will was even there in that. I actually know that to be true now.
At that time we decided to pray, we have been praying since we got back from Spain in September praying for peace and confirmation about what His will for us was. The uncertain thing about prayer isn't that God hears or answers- but that he does so in ways we don't expect. I prayed that God would give me the ability to not be in the way as He lead. I mentioned before that we have felt in a holding pattern- in a silent place of waiting on God. That season just ended, we are in a new season. God has recently told us to head back to Calvary Chapel and as much as we are excited to go back home- I hate looking fickle. I am the type that once I make a decision I want to stick to it even if it isn't the right one. But that would be disobedient- and sin. So with mixed feelings of joy and shame we decide to go.
But God wants to deal with even that feeling of shame in me, to take that guilt away and give me what He intended to give me all along. After it was confirmed that we would go back, I started trying to pray and thank God," Oh God it is so good that you brought us to this other church to reach out, to stir things up and if only to meet one person who needed us- we are so thankful" I was once again humbled as God spoke to me about how that was part of what happened because of our obedience, but not why he brought us there. This is what He spoke to me:
When you realize your place through humility, through being broken and brought down low- only then will I be glorified. Because only then will you understand completely that any step above eternal condemnation is a gift and not yours to hold to tightly, or yours to boast of, find pride in, come to expect, or feel you have earned.
That is why there is beauty in the broken and why pain brings joy. Because only then do you not lean on yourself- you have no choice but to lean on Me. No longer will it matter if others think you are obeying or hearing, no longer will it matter because you are steadfast in Me. You have surrendered.
God spoke that to me a couple nights ago. I wrote it down and the first feelings were shock, relief, joy and then embarrassment. God was working on me trusting Him, which I already thought I did. But now I realize that for me it is harder to trust Him when He wants me to do things that make me look bad, make me look indecisive or confused, or when He tells me to stay and not to go. I can be so critical, so quick to judge others- why would I assume God would share His plan for them with me? He didn't even share His plan for me with me!!
At womens Bible study (that I have still been attending at Calvary Chapel Corvallis) our leader Cindy has been challenged that it shouldn't be 'more of God and less of me', but 'all of God and none of me'. I agree, because no matter how many bad things I didn't do, no matter how much I could have sinned growing up and didn't- nobody owes me anything. Actually I am the one who owes, I owe a debt that I can't pay. I am entitled to nothing- but through God's grace I am justified.
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. there is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3: 22-24
What has God been working in your lately? I'd love to hear!
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I (adoringly) HEART—>
January 22nd, 2010 - 21:36
I love that you post your heart things. I know that you and Brad are seeking to follow God where ever He wants to take you and I admire that you are willing to swallow your pride to join Him where He’d have you be. We just spent some time in St. Louis and God really revealed to me how much I have been unwilling to even ask Him direction in certain parts of my life for fear that a yes from Him would mean separation from my kids. It is really time for me to grow and trust Him.
January 25th, 2010 - 10:34
Thanks becky! It is hard for me to do these sometimes, but friends tell me they love them. It is hard though because I have to be vulnerable and then they never get comments so I don’t ever know if I am freaking people out or blessing them! I get to trust that God is using it since He asked me to do it. Still I worry that I will be misunderstood, or that I didn’t explain it right…you know, just silly doubts. So, yes thank you for commenting on this, it makes me feel better- much better.
What are you feeling you are being lead to do? A missions trip?? The kids thing is hard. Maybe you could let them do whatever it is with you! Kids are so good at blessing people, and breaking down their barriers. I know we think they are frustrating and in the way, but God uses their pure hearts and they love to help you obey God.
Blessings Becky!
January 23rd, 2010 - 14:35
There is no shame in following God with all your heart. But just like you, I have discovered that when I take those first steps of obedience, sometime God reveals different plans, but they are plans you wouldn’t have discovered if you hadn’t stepped out in faith the first time. Can’t wait to see what God has for you!
January 25th, 2010 - 10:37
Yes, I just need to keep remembering, “He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie of change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind” (1 Sam 15:29) Since we KNOW that God told us to do that, and we KNOW that he has called us back- we must KNOW that his purpose is just not what we thought, and trust that He does know what He is doing.
Thank you for your encouragement!!
February 5th, 2010 - 13:12
I went through some similar emotions 2 1/2 years ago when my former church was falling apart and people were leaving in droves. I did my best not be be part of the gossiping crowd, went straight to some pastoral staff and did not like the responses I got, or the feelings God was laying on my heart, so I bought a book on Christian principles for decision making and spent a couple months going through the book and praying and waiting. I wanted to be sure I was moving on God’s terms and not based on my own emotions. When God told me it was time for me to leave that church and go to Calvary, I knew I was doing the right thing, NOT because “everyone else” was leaving, but because God had told ME to leave. I found myself defending that decision to everyone I ran into, and got so frustrated by the comments and looks that said, “Yeah, right – you just left because everyone else was leaving!” I have always been a person who cares way too much what everyone else thinks about me, and God really dealt with me on that. I finally let people think whatever they wanted: that I left the other church because I couldn’t handle the conflict and was following the herd, or that I came to Calvary just because they’d finished building a beautiful new church – and rested in the knowledge that only God’s opinion of me mattered. How freeing!
I have seen you around the hallways at Calvary and wondered where you’ve been the past few months (I linked here from Sean’s blog) – I, for one, will be glad to see your little family again! Even if you don’t have any idea who I am!
Oh, and I also loved Nickel and Dimed – that is one of those books that has stuck with me, years after reading it. Reading about that pregnant housecleaner was heartbreaking.
:) Thanks for sharing and letting me share – it’s comforting to know how others struggle in some areas I do -
February 9th, 2010 - 15:06
Thank you heather for sharing that! It is hard to go through seasons when we feel people don’t understand us. But the benefit of obedience (as you know) far out weighs it all.
I hope to see you around,I tried to find you in the directory, but it is hard since I don’t know your last name!! :P Anyway, thanks for your honesty and vulnerability.
February 13th, 2010 - 16:56
Just stopped by and catching up on some of your blogs. Can I say I feel the same way as you do in this one??? thanks for sharing. I have been struggling with my faith of the future. And HELLO! I know God is my confidence… why can’t I just not be anxious sometimes?
Love the boys in their history get up. Its a great book. I have yet to finish reading it to Elizabeth.
We’ll catch up one of these days in person too :) God bless you.. oh, be careful not to run too far off the deep end;)